What a week

Well, I returned from NC early on the day after Christmas. 24 hours later, I am laying in Naval Medical Center Portsmouth with appendicitis. Yea.......I had my appendix taken out Wednesday. And have had some doozies for dreams ever since......they gave me some painkillers that are given to cancer patients, and Oh. My. God..................talk about some strong stuff!!!! I was in and out of consciousness for the next 28 hours.

It has hit me that I have, as of New Year's Day, 120 days or 4 months left in the Air Force. And I am terrified........

Ziggy and I are enjoying our time off, and getting plenty of things knocked off the Honey Do List.....gotta love progress.

Have a good week!!! I'm sure I'll check back in and drop updates....

Christmas

I went to my uncle's house for Christmas. And most of my biological family was there. We had fun.....

I have been icky sick.....I had lunch with Eunuch last week, and he was telling me that he'd had the same thing, and it was awful. Well, Eunuch, I got much worse than when you saw me!! But I think I'm getting over it now. MiniMachine had it, too, but she's doing better as well.

Last night

Oh last night was a riot!! Last night was the squadron's Christmas (they call it holiday, it's my blog and I'll call it whatever I want) party. And I have pictures......Ziggy and I sat with Kat and her man, Dave and Michelle, and Beefcake, among a few others. Here is Kat and myself, feeling each other up. This is a throw back to when she and I went drinking and she groped me most of the night. She was drunk, I was sober( same situation in the pic) and no, I';m not bicurious, though I've heard Kat is.... Behold, the shoes I wore to the party. I bought these to wear in Kat's wedding, and thought I'd try them out at the party. I only twisted my right ankle 3 times all night. Not bad for a girl that's used to wearing combat boots. He calls me Young Jedi, and I call him Obi-Wan..........me and the best boss I have ever met, or been supervised by, Mr. Boogie Johnson. What NOT to wear.......EVER............this is what happens when you let OOps troops(vehicle ops) out from behind the wheel..... You guys remember Beefcake from my Iraq pictures, right??? Well, here we are, I'm sober and he's not.......yes, he really licked me, that was kinda creepy. We had so much fun.....he even got up and danced.....which was really scary........but not as scary as the next picture!!! Yea.........The Dork Squad!!!! And they are dancing.........Ziggy and Beefcake.....my retinas are gonna need repair after that!

The yearly Electric Slide..........Michelle is in black and white, and we dance this every year together....last year, she was 9 months pregnant and we were trying to induce labor!!! Yes, I do actually dance with my own husband from time to time....I just never look at the camera.....Ziggy got up and danced(half buzzed) with me, which was interesting since it seemed like only HE knew what the music was, as I was tripping all over the place. Not my fault he was leading!!!

I guess you guys can tell that we had fun.....we didn't win any of the prizes(they gave away an Xbox 360!), but we got to hang out with some friends, and that's always a good time.....

Yup......I gave in and set my bog private....

honestly, I should have done it a while back...but it's done now, so here we go.

Christmas shopping and weddings

I LOATHE shopping for Christmas gifts. And it's getting harder and harder every year. Scout is harder to buy for the older he gets. This year he has stated that he wants rollerblades. Good, that beats trying to decypher what kids want at the age of 10. Ziggy is even harder to buy for. And don't bother asking him what he wants, as he won't have an answer of substance........I love the man, but THROW ME A FREAKING BONE!!!!!!

So tomorrow Kat and I are going wedding shopping. This ought to be a fun experience. I weigh 160 lbs, and bridesmaids dresses do NOTHING to make you appear thinner.......so I'm starting a diet. I'm going to cut my Dr. Pepper intake down to 1 a day. I'm going to cut back on the snacks. And I will exercise more........just because I have 3 kids, doesn't mean I have to look it, right?

Movin along

Holy batshit, man!!! I get beta and find out how many comments have been posted that I never knew about! Well, that explains alot.....Yes, yes, I know I'm technology challenged!!!

Might I mention, 146 days left on my enlistment!!!!!

The dog and pony show is over, thank God.......now I just have to catch up on a couple projects and all will be well. My boss nicknamed me his Young Jedi. So I call him Obi-Wan.....

Looking for work is kinda hard when you've been military for 6 years, your military job was NOWHERE near what you did in the civilian world, and you graduated college 2 years before that...........the resume is a bit on the DATED side.......

I had a chat with someone who wants to crusade and save my career. Nice thought, hoss, but that idea has already packed it's shit and PCS'd outta here!! Really, I appreciate it, but the phrase too little too late comes to mind.....

Speaking of that, the Capitan that's the commander of my old flight comes by to see me yesterday, and we get to chatting about my 'situation'. I apprise him of what's been going on, and where the flight botched things.....I get this blank deer in the headlights look back from him........classic, let me tell ya........sorry Eunuch, I hope you know that everything you touch, does NOT turn to gold!!!!

I'll post more often, I promise......now that I know I still have readers!!

Happy birthday Ziggy

Today is my dearly beloved's 29th birthday!!!! Happy birthday Baby!!!

Tomorrow, 1 December, is the anniversary of how long we have been together, 4 years. Also, 1 December marks 5 months that I have left on my enlistment. I got my outprocessing checklist yesterday, you know, the timeframe when I was told I could go get it, and it says I am already behind on 3 things!!! How's that work?!?! Eh, oh well......just things I have to do to be done...no worries.

So, on to plan B. Getting things lined up for getting out, job hunting, all that.......151 days(I think).......

30 Reasons to reenlist in the military - oh this is good!

30 Reasons to Re-enlist

1. Yesterday sucked, today sucked, tomorrow is going to suck, and this seems to be a pretty solid forecast for the rest of my enlistment.

2. Spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year training for something that there is a 99.9% chance that we will never do. Hooah Herd!!

3. WWWDWOA? (what would we do without acronyms?)

4. Taking simple daily tasks and breaking them down into nuclear physics before doing them.

5. Having to attend a brief prior to carrying out any task more complicated than picking my nose.

6. Being a personal servant (that's basically all I am) to any one of the 300 thousand people in the military who out-rank me.

7. Being an adult and having somebody inspect me everyday to make sure I put my clothes on properly and put my shoes on the right feet.

8. Having to wear a "cover," or hat, every time I want to go outside.

9. I love cleaning the same places over and over and over until either the paint comes off or my hands are bleeding.

10. Without the military’s influence and good teaching, I would never have realized that you can sweep water with a broom for hours every time it rains. Or vacuum and sweep dirt ouside for hours. . .

11. There just aren’t that many jobs out there where you can rest assured that everyone you work for is just waiting to screw you over any way they possibly can.

12. If I got out, I would surely miss the idea of waking up every morning for a "meeting." Because GRVT changes everyday

13. Getting to eat meat that comes in boxes labeled " not fit for human consumption" and "for institutional use only."

14. Getting "random" drug tests every couple of weeks. I was "randomly" picked for every test for almost two years straight. Not many people can testify to taking about 50 drug tests in the past two years without having ever been caught doing drugs in my life.

15. Waking up every morning and going to the "staff meeting" where a piece of paper is read to me even though it is posted on the wall and on the offices internet, both of which I have access to. I guess I can't read.

16. Going to medical complaining of severe heart and chest pain and being told to come back during "sick-call" the next day or receiving a small bottle of Motrin.

17. I love the fact that my opinion has about as much influence as my sister's pet hamster.

18. Because no matter how much I hate my job, I have to respectfully request to get a different one. Even then it is only if my "chain of command" permits.

19. You do not have to respect the person, you have to respect what they wear on their collar or sleeve.

20. I love the fact that the military wonders why we have so many people around the world that hate our country. I am sure that us being bullies and telling the world what they can and cannot do, then ignoring those rules ourselves has nothing to do with it.

21. I hate good food. Chowhall Timmys make the best Booger Burgers and Chinsweat basted Turkey

22. I love the " you are U.S. ambassadors" speech.

23. I hate spending time with my family. The military Is all the family I need y should I ever go home?

24. Not only getting to do my own job, but getting stuck with as many additional duties as my chain of command wants to give me. We R CYB,CYBR,CYBD,CYBV

25. Having to change your computer password every two weeks to keep terrorists from hacking into our email or even playing a innocent game of solitaire. If it weren’t so easy to request a password I would have been locked out last year from everything

26. When you get out you will only be 38-40. You still have your entire life ahead of you. Yeah, okay, I want my life to start at 38.

27. What? You are going on leave? No never I love it here . . that’s why everyone in the Herd Wants to deploy or requests to go to places like Korea and Turkey .Other bases with normal jobs would never understand why we want to go so much.

28. Oh, look...There's the boss. We better all stand at attention until he tells us we can move. Do they do that in the civilian world too?

29. Is that local time or Zulu?

30.I want to work somewhere that has total control of my paycheck so that they can take half if I mess up.

Something I had to get off my chest

So I'm talking to Beefcake today, and Other comes up in the conversation. And Beefcake tells me just how Other felt about me back in the day. I mean Other let it show to Beefcake, but not to me. This floors me, even years later, right? So I ask Other about it, and a brief argument ensues. He never showed me how he felt about me then, and that was part of why I chose Ziggy over him. Does Other still love me, or does he still talk to me for the idea that maybe one day he'll get me in bed with him despite my marriage to Ziggy? It's a theory that was bounced around by Beefcake and I today. I think Other is over me completely. I never wanted the fundamental emotions to change. Looking at it now, I see that I wanted Other to always love me as Ziggy does......

Anyhow, I needed to get that off my chest.

Christmas Survey I stole from Brookie

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?Hot Chocolate

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?the elves wrap them and santa puts them under the tree ;-)
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?color on the house, white on the tree.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?Nope

5. When do you put your decorations up?usually the day after thanksgiving. if not the day after, they WILL be up before the next work week rolls around!!!

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?Honey-baked ham

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Watching MASH marathons with my brother all day, and eating cookies

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?you know, I don't really remember

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? I don't remember

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? Lots of lights, balls at the top(cats and toddlers break them), 11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? LOVE IT!!!!!

12. Can you ice skate? Yes

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? No

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you?being with family

15. Your favorite Holiday Dessert?Chocolate Cream Roll!!!!

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?decorating the tree & wrapping presents

17. What tops your tree? An angel

18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? Giving

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?O holy night

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?Yum

21. Is there anything you really want this year? No, not really

I need to get to Greenville

I never thought I'd actually have to face this......

My best friend, Chris Daugherty, is on his way home from Iraq, a full 2 months early. His homecoming will not be happy, unfortunately. Chris's wife of 5 years, Lori, was killed yesterday in a car accident. She must have fallen asleep at the wheel, and ran across traffic, and hit a semi head on. She died instantly. Their children weren't in the truck with her, thank God. She was 31 years old. It doesn't seem possible that she's gone.

Dog and Pony show

So my squadron is up for some spiffy award, yet again. Time to roll out the dog and pony show. For those who don't know what I mean, this is the time when everyone runs around like crazy, cleaning things that wouldn't normally be cleaned, doing all kinds of cosmetic things for someone to walk in, glance around, and walk back out. What does this mean for us folks on the low end of the totem pole? Lots of grunt work......no fun, but I don't have to do any of it, as my boss doesn't do that to me......


175 days left til I seperate from the Air Force!

Oh what fun it is to ride.........my Yamaha!!

As promised, here is MiniMachine in her outfit on Halloween. I thought she looked adorable. Ziggy believes she looks like me, but I don't see it myself. I love the embroidery on her pants, embroidery just makes clothes a little fancier, I
think.

Here is myself with MiniMachine. Enjoy, as I don't often post pics of myself. I know, I know, I need to lose the baby weight. I'm working on it.


Now, Ziggy and I went riding yesterday with some friends. There were 5 of us total, and more than enough mud to go around. It was the first time I'd been riding in a year. I am sore, I was dead tired, but it was great.


We got my machine stuck for the first time ever.......I ride a 2003 Yamaha Wolverine, with full time 4 wheel drive, but it's not got the heavy weight of a full size 4 wheel drive machine. Anyways, it got stuck the first time, and I managed to get it out. No biggie, right? Then Ziggy says, "Hey let me ride your machine through that big mud puddle." I had refused to ride through it, as I didn't want to sink in the mud. So Ziggy gets on, and sure enough, my wheeler got stuck. I mean deep stuck. 3 wheels spinning in liquid mud kind of stuck. We snapped my tie strap trying to pull it out with Ziggy's machine. So then one of our friends decides to go back to his truck and get the big tie strap. In that time he was gone, someone rode up on a full size 4x4 machine, and used his winch to pull my machine out. Here's an idea of what my machine looked like in that mud........ever seen the movie 'Never Ending Story?' Remember the horse sinking in the mud?? There ya go.......

Ok, here's another pic.....





The black one is my machine, the yellow is Ziggy's. This was shortly after the big stuck in the mud bit. We had a great time.........made me feel much better.


Speaking of how I'm feeling, I am feeling better, much more like myself. Ziggy and I talked and decided that maybe I needed to get help for how I was feeling. So I went to the doc, and got some meds. And I made an appointment for some professional coping techniques help. I am learning that I don't have to take on the whole world(yes, Other, I am learning that), that I don't have to decide everything about school and career right now. I can take some time off and relax and see what we want to do. I have been running myself into the ground lately, and I need to stop. I am coming to the realization that I can't change the way things have gone for me in the Air Force, and that I need to take a step back and enjoy the family. Ziggy and I are spending more time together without the kids, and things, as of right now, are looking much rosier than they were a couple weeks ago.......

So for those who were concerned about me, I am doing better. I am getting through this period of my life, and hopefully will not be on meds forever. I don't want to be one of those people who can't function normally without the medication.

Gone ridin

Hell yes, baby!!!!!!!! Ziggy and I are going riding wheelers today!!!!!!!

About Daddy

Apparently nothing in the tests that they did, showed up as Daddy having had a stroke. He's home now, on a low-sodium diet, and to be followed-up with by his doctor....

So far so good.

Daddy

I get a concerning phone call from my oldest brother this morning. The mere fact that my brother called me at all is alarming. My brother(Lynn) is very resistant to use modern technology, even to using an answering machine. Anyways, I get this call from Lynn this morning, saying that Daddy is in the hospital, with a suspected stroke. I called the hospital(I used to work there, so I know some of the folks that are working there) and so far, as long as the labs stay negative, then they will send him home tonight..

More to come

Small recap and update

Ok, as for trick-or-treating with the kids, what a no-go. Apparently Scout thinks Mama should hold his hand through all things, because he pitched a total pout fit when he didn't do and tric-or-treating. Why didn't he go? Well, when the kid has no interest in the whole thing when his mom takes him costume shopping, then I'm not spending money on something he hasn't given any indication he wants to do. He had a whole month worth of hints being dropped, etc, and he didn't say a thing. His loss, the way I see it. MiniZiggy decided it was bedtime at 630 last night, so that killed him going trick-or-treating. And MiniMachine? She was soo cute in her little Halloween outfit. It wasn't a costume, but a little outfit with an orange shirt with a black cat on it, and a cobweb, that said BOO across the front, and some black velvety pants with candy corns embroidered on the leg. I'll have to post pictures.

Alright, my favorite reality show was on Monday night, and I recorded it. Now I am in a lurch as to what's going to happen( good hook for next season). My favorite reality show is Gene Simmons Family Jewels. You know, the lead singer from KISS, with the tongue hanging out. Yea, I am hooked on his family show. His daughter is rather pretty, I think(can't help that since her mom is a former Playboy Playmate) and Nick seems like a really decent kid, too. It's good to see normal kids that have come from such celebrity parents. Shannon, their mom, now THERE is someone I'd love to look as good as when I am that age!!! What cracks me up about Gene himself is the fact he is pretty much phobic on the subject of marriage, but comes from a VERY traditional background, as his mother is Jewish. Interesting. But now I want to know WHAT COMES NEXT?!?!?!?! The last couple scenes of the season finale just aggravated me, cause I wanna know! You have Gene waiting in a Pre-Op area for Shannon to arrive so they can have simultaneous face lifts. Shannon comes in, and explains to Gene that she can't have the surgery, as there is a possibility that she's pregnant(she's been on a baby kick for the entire episode).......which Gene remarks that's he's scared of, as he's being taken in for his surgery. The last bit on the couch shows Shannon and Gene, but Gene is in his full KISS makeup and outfit, SO I CAN'T SEE WHAT THE SURGERY DID!! AAGGGGGGGGGGGG..........I will brood over this until next season starts....

W

So, in an attempt to salvage what GPA I have left, I have withdrawn out of my Anatomy class this semester. Next semester, I may take off, try to relax, and decide if Nursing is really what I want to do or not. Then I'll get my plan together with whatever I decide to do. I have to pay the money back, which is no big deal, but I need some time off, get myself together, and then regroup and move on.

Too funny

My squadron commander, who I see on a pretty regular basis, was having problems between his email interface at work, and what he sees at home. So, he goes to the folks in our squadron who deal with the computers for help.

They aren't there. The lights in the office aren't on, either. So what does this LtCol do??

Stand at the door, and bang on it, calling out, "Hello???? Is anyone there? I need help!"

Priceless.

Whatever I want to do

In 6 short months, I will be discharged from the US Air Force, free to go about my business. Ziggy and I were talking last night, and he made the comment that I'll be free to do whatever I want, and in my timeframe. Meaning I can slow down and do things better, rather than stressing myself out like I have been for I can't remember how long.

So, anything I want......such a wide open statement. For someone who is used to being on the go, at full throttle most of the time, it's hard to slow down. So I may just relax a bit next semester. Not take anything too stressful, if I go to school next semester. I feel as though a good bit of weight has been taken off my shoulders....

Howdy

You know, I am really starting to wonder whether or not I've hit a lull or something in my relationship with Ziggy. He came home from his deployment a bit detatched. I understand this, I get it. Been there done it. Got over it. I thought. I don't know...he's still a bit detatched, and in ways I wouldn't have expected. Almost like he resents my job, me, etc.........concerns me.....

My favorite season

Nothing like fall to make me miss Alaska all the more. Fall/Winter is my favorite season. I love the changing leaves on trees. I love college football on TV. I love using my crock pot for dinners throughout the season. I love the cold weather......I just love fall.

It is a beautiful though blustery day here in Tidewater Virginia. And though I am sitting in Virginia, my mind carries me back to Alaska, and the winters I spent there. The October that I bought my four wheeler, and Ziggy and I took it out riding for the first time. We went out to our favorite riding spot, Jim's Creek. It was frigid cold, a beautiful clear day, with the first snow of the winter on the ground. Riding out to Jim's Creek is a breathtaking sight in itself. Outside of Anchorage, the land is flat, making the mountains seem even more impressive when you see them. Like they have just cropped up, and I mean straight up vertical. One gets the point that man is NOT the biggest thing in Alaska, and why it's called the Great Land by the natives. Riding a four wheeler gives me the greatest sense of being free, as speed feels decidely different on a ATV rather than in a car. Zipping over the mud flats towards the glacier, with nothing out there with you except well, Alaska itself. The mountains tower on either side of you, the glacier ahead of you, and far enough out of town(which isn't all that far or hard to come by in Alaska) that your cell phone is of no use. Ziggy and I would ride most of the morning away, and around lunch time, head to a little Mom & Pop restaurant for lunch. This place was great. As with most places in Alaska, ATV's or snowmachines parked in a parking lot are no out of place nor uncommon in winter. This place made everything fresh, except the soup, and then it was made fresh atleast that morning. Folks in riding gear were welcome and made to feel at home, and if you left hungry, well, it wasn't their fault. Some of my favorite memories of Alaska involve riding a four wheeler.
So Ziggy has a surprise for me, we are going riding here in a couple weeks. Granted, it's not Alaska, but it's time spent across a four wheeler, and I have done far too little of that since moving to Virginia. I can hardly wait!!

Ugh

I have GOT to stop eating junk food.......I gotta lose this baby weight.....

Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies are my current downfall, along with my addiction to Dr. Pepper. Yea, I gotta cut back alot, at the very least.....

Oh, and I bought MiniMachine a bedding set for her crib, get this - $118 on eBay, and it's Pottery Barn stuff!!!! It usually goes for $200+ from the store itself!!! I soooo got a good deal. I sold my series of Buffy on DVD, so it's like I really didn't pay anything for it anyways.....Gotta love eBay!!!!

Nap time

OOOooooooo I could so use a nap. A nice long one, a good 3-4 hours.


CrazyGirl was in town this past weekend, and I think she caught a bit of baby fever after holding MiniMachine. MiniMachine played it up, of course, looking cute at all times..

Georgia Tech, my college football team, is doing well this season. They are playing Clemson this weekend, and htat promises to be a good game.

Scout, I have no idea what I am going to do with this kid. He was failing English, and now his grades in Science and Math are starting to drop. His teacher called last night and was telling me what was going on, and I am just at a loss as to how to motivate the kid to actually do his work. It doesn't really help that the school almost blames the parent for the child not doing his work. I can make him sit and do the homework, but apparently he's not turning things in, or something. I don't know what to do about him.

I feel a bit better as far as being down goes, but I have good days and bad days. MiniZiggy seems to up it a good bit. He's in this kick of screaming and squealing any time he doesn't get his way, or wants attention. If he doesn't want to do something he will let me hold his hand, but won't stand up or walk, so I end up dragging him around, as I refuse to carry him. It's frustrating and gives me more stress, and I have no patience with it. I don't know how to get him to act differently, as I am pretty sure that daycare adds into this with other kids doing the same things, etc.

I think I really took on more than I could handle this semester. My stress level is so high that it never seems to let up, and I am having a harder time relieving it. The usual measures don't seem to help. Anatomy class is stressing me out bad, and no matter what I try, I don't catch on to some of the concepts, and they are pretty vital for things on down the line. I am not testing well, either, and that adds to the stress. Next semester will be different, I hope.

I have been thinking about taking my doc up on her offer of meds for the depression. Ziggy was less than thrilled with the idea of meds, but I'm not sure how to go about making things better. Maybe I need to contact the mental folks here on base and see what they have to say.

I've been back at work now for about 2 weeks, and some things never change. The good news is that I no longer belong to the vehicle maintenance flight, and they have no influence on me now. That is a relief, as the last 195 days that I have in the Air Force may well pass more smoothly and more pleasantly.

On a rant....pardon if it's nonsensible...

I don't know how some people in this world can shut off the ability to express anything to anyone else. Just push it all the way down and not care about what's going on, never tell anyone about it cause God forbid you might seem human. And certainly don't tell those closest to you what you think/feel, because it might actually involve them and be important to them that you said something. You'd rather lose out on that relationship than show true feeling. The day will come, mark my words, when that is the unravelling point of your relationship with me. I figured you'd get over that, apparently I was wrong. This is what will tear us apart, it's a matter of time.

Details, details

First off, Ziggy and I ate at Ruth's Chris steakhouse....good food...it was nice to get out without the kids.....

Last night Ziggy and I went to see Toby Keith in concert. Pretty good show, I enjoyed it. That was the first time Ziggy and I have been to a concert together. Aerosmith will be here next weekend, but I'm not going. That's my favorite band, but the prices of the tickets are a bit steep.

Well, I have been back to work for 4 days now. Lots has stayed the same, with minor changes. My boss is talking about whipping out some miracle to keep me in the Air Force, though I don't know what he's got in mind yet. We have an exercise next week (groan), so things are going to be a bit hectic. And of course, all plans for this exercise have to change back and forth atleast 3 times before the thing kicks off. That's a headache in and of itself.

School, I wish was going better. My Chemistry class is going better than I expected. Anatomy seems to be giving me a headache. I study for things, go in to take a test or quiz, and then can't seem to make better than a 60%. My study-mates have decided that I am just a poor test taker, and I can't really argue with that. Our tests and quizzes are timed, 1 minute per station, and I have never done well under those circumstances.

Speaking of school, Scout is failing his English class. His teacher says that he blatantly refuses to complete and hand in homework and classwork. He tried telling me that it was just a one-time thing that the teacher is basing it off of, but I am not buying that story. I even explained it to him, but I don't think I made a dent.

Alright, I think that's about it for right now.....

More of the same

I spent most of the day trying not to cry in front of Ziggy and the kids. As I got closer to bedtime, and more 'alone' with Ziggy, it got harder. The kids are a distractor, since one of them always wants or needs something. Once they go to bed, then it's just me, Ziggy and MiniMachine.

Tomorrow is my last day of maternity leave, and then it's back to the grind. I'm not looking forward to it, as life will be getting decidedly busier, with school.

I am calling for info about a second job tomorrow. Ziggy wants to know why I want a second job, and it seems that he's forgetten that we talked about this, and about it being a good thing, etc. It's funny how the man who's always thinking about money never thought that it (money) might be the very reason I'd be getting a second job. He asked why it had to be me, and I said it was because I was the one that wouldn't be in the military anymore. He hasn't mentioned it ever being him to get another job. He was asking when I would start nursing school, and come to find out, it coincides with the next time he's supposed to deploy. Aren't I excited? Can't you feel my enthusiasm?? I asked my MIL if she ever reached a point where she resented my FIL's job( he's retired from the Army), and she said yes. I think I've gotten there, myself, though I know what the life is like. I can't help feeling the resentment and just having to put up with the Air Force, and the kids and I coming after it. Maybe I am being selfish.....

The Dump da-dump da-dump dump dump.....

So here I sit...and I feel pretty much like a basketcase. I feel so stressed out, it's almost unbearable. Between having to go back to work on Tuesday, and school, I am a basketcase. I feel extra pressure to compensate for the salary I won't be getting upon my discharge from the military.

Ziggy has started denoting what can be done away with since our income won't be the same as it is now, which adds pressure to me. I feel as though the stability of my home life and marriage depends on my employment, and part of me laments getting out of the military just in that case. Some of the comments that he makes, though I am not sure that they are meant to be snide, come off to me like they are jabbing at me and my performance in the military, along with anything that he doesn't say, and I can tell that he keeps quiet about.

My MIL and I were chatting and we were talking about men in Ziggy's family, and how they relate to women, etc...I was recounting to Ziggy the conversation, and something came up about a point in time between us that we almost weren't married, and the comment was made that Ziggy had never made an effort to talk me into staying with him rather than not. This look of mild suprise went across my husband's face, and something jarred me, and has stayed with me ever since......quite honestly, if it ever came down to it, I don't think Ziggy would ever ask me to stay with him. He'd stay quiet, let me go, and keep the kids..except for Scout, I guess, since he's not his by blood or anything. I don't think it would cross his mind to ask me to stay. He doesn't say alot of things to me, for whatever reason, and it makes me wonder when I became so weak as to be told I was needed or wanted in someone else's life. I try to do everything that I didn't do in my first marriage, in order to make Ziggy happy, and by all impressions, I could leave and bottom line, it wouldn't make a difference. He would rather I leave what all we've had behind rather than tell me how he feels, or what he thinks. I worry that the change of my getting out of the military will have us end up like his parents, seperated. Any time I mention this to Ziggy, trying to get what I think and feel out of my head, he stays quiet, which tends to frustrate me more. He's never been one to tell what he thinks or feels, and that really bothers me. We will be married for 3 years in January, and I keep waiting on the other shoe to drop. My last marriage ended at 3 years and 9 days. I'm scared to death of life outside the military(it offers a deal of security) and feel it compounded that I can't tell Ziggy what I feel or think because it ends up a one-sided conversation. So there goes any comfort that I may get....

So I am feeling depressed, and for the last few days, I have stayed on the verge of crying on a regular basis. So I lay my thoughts here on my blog, not that Ziggy reads it, but atleast if I have a one-sided conversation, I can say everything and not have to see the blank expression on Ziggy's face, the internet is a bit more anonymous.

I'm still here

So much for maternity leave being restful. Mine couldn't be more busy. School, doctor's appointments, errands......not to mention housework. Not enough hours in the day, especially when you do dishes at 2:30AM cause you're up waiting on the baby's bottle to warm up. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep, and I don't get naps during the day, so I am doubly tired....

MiniZiggy's second birthday was yesterday, not that he noticed. He has hit the terrible two's and it's in full swing. He screams at anything that remotely doesn't get him what he wants. He never wants Mama anymore, he wants Daddy, and will pitch a hissy fit to get him. He's going to the doctor for a check up on Thursday, yea, that's not going to be fun, as it includes shots.....

School is going well, considering I have some rather hard classes this semester. But I am trying my best, going in for extra help, and trying to muddle through as best I can.

Feeling a bit lonely and a bit out of sorts. I don't really want to go back to the routine of work, although the man I work for makes life rather easy, working for him. Just the 'whirl' of being back is not something I look forward to. It's ok, though, here in a few more months, it'll all be over, and I will be moving on to other things.

MIL in town

My MIL is in town. She's hung out with me and the kiddos for the most part, and has let me have some time to myself, which has been great, and I REALLY do appreciate.

School, while not stellar, is doing better than I had anticipated, and that's nice. I have lots left to do, but it's not as bad as last semester.....

MiniMachine is 1 month old today. My, time seems to fly by faster the more kids you have.....

I got a full night of sleep last night, since my MIL stayed up with the baby for us....felt great.....

Face time with Eunuch

Well, Ziggy and I had lunch with Eunuch today. It's really nice to be able to walk up to someone you've never met face to face before and strike up a conversation as though you've known them for a good amount of time.

Lunch was eaten, Hashing was explained( and now I want to try this oddity), and a good time was had by all.

I had a great time chatting with Eunuch, very comfortable and easy to talk with type of guy. Of course, I will have to work on his warped sense of what a 'real' SEC football team is.....poor guy, apparently he doesn't get enough college football in his diet.....

I want to go home

I got my license plates for my Jeep the other day, and ever since I opened the envelope, I have had a longing to go home. I am not from Virginia, as a matter of fact, I hate it here. I was born and raised in Georgia, but I don't consider it home. I want to go back home, to Alaska. It'll be getting cooler this time of year. I can almost see the mountains that surround the city of Anchorage, with the very tips covered in white, telling me that winter is on it's way yet again. I want to stand outside my house on a winter night and look at the sky and watch the Aurora( Northern Lights) dance across the night sky. I want to drive out to Jim's Creek and ride my four-wheeler across the flats at the base of the glacier, get muddy and wet, and otherwise enjoy the outdoors. I want to walk down 4th avenue and look in all the little shops for the tourists. I want to eat at the little Russian cafe on 5th avenue. I want to watch the start of the Iditarod sled dog race every Spring, and go see the ice sculptures during the Fur Rondy. I want to go to the fair and see the huge vegetable displays......I want to drive to Houston for fireworks, and shoot them off well into the night. I want to fish to my heart's content in Seward.

I met myself in Alaska. I met Ziggy in Alaska, and for that alone Alaska will always be dear to me. I want to drive down Muldoon Avenue to Ziggy's old house, and let the memories of that house play in my mind over and over. I want to go home, and never leave the Last Frontier again.

My self esteem

At what point, when failing at everything possible, do you give up and change what you're doing?

Looking over my life, I see my parents always telling me I'd never be good at or for anything. After so long of hearing that, regardless of the truth in it, a person is going to start believing it. Luck hasn't been on my side in a number of ventures before I joined the military, and I honestly believed that the military would be all that it promised. That was problem number 1, believing the recruiting propaganda. After nearly 5 and a half years of being screwed by my loving Uncle Sam, it would seem that my parents words still ring true, and I am unable, it seems, to shake the whole situation. Granted, there have been some minor victories, but nothing to impress. Looking through my military record, I can honestly say that the only part of it that I am remotely proud of is that I served in Operation Iraqi Freedom. The rest of it could be sealed forever and I wouldn't shed a tear over it, embarrassing as it is. Ever heard the phrase 'shutting the barn door after the horse has run away'? Well, that's a rather decent description of my career in the US Air Force.

At what point do you stop fighting all the crap that is being piled on you, and give up caring about it anymore? How do you get out from under it all? And moreso, how do you shore up the walls of your emotions now that you've been shaken down to the very foundations of your self esteem? I've gotten to the point that my time in the Air Force has taken so much out of my self confidence that I begin to look around me at other aspects of my life and wonder if I'll ever do anything well again, or complete a task I have set for myself. Now all I see for myself is abject failure....

I get the idea that Ziggy has no high opinion of me as a troop, that kind of goes without saying in words. I think he's bright enough to know better than to voice that out loud, particularly to my face.

So what happens if I don't get into the nursing program at my college? Then what do I do? Because then I will have gone to school for 2 years with little to nothing to show for it, as the degree wouldn't be finished. I don't know what else I'd do, as I have wanted to be a nurse for the better part of 10 years, and not much else has captured my interest. Ziggy keeps talking positive about things, and I can't help but see more gloom that good in the whole situation.

Something I've been meaning to write

I have been meaning to post this, and just haven't done it. I just love downtown Norfolk, VA. My college has a campus there, and it's in the heart of Norfolk, and I have to walk from the parking garage a couple of blocks over to the campus. Norfolk is just a neat place to me. You've got the upscale sections (MacArthur Center and Ghent), and the funky/trendy places (VooDoo's, and Waterside), along with the college atmosphere, since Tidewater Community College is next to MacArthur Center. There are hole-in-the wall restaurants to eat in, city-style apartments, and lots of old town charm......I just love Norfolk, it's a neat place....

Bit of an update

Well, school is in full swing for the semester. Chemistry and I are still mortal enemies, as I hate math with a passion. But I must do well in order to pass the class. Anatomy is going alright, my first test is next week, and I am a bit nervous about it, truth be told, but I am sure that everything will go alright.

I had the weirdest dreams the past couple of nights. What's even more strange is that my exhusband, Psycho, was in them, though more so in the last one than the first. I have no idea why I'd dream about him, but he was there, rather prominently through the whole dream. Angry and jealous as ever, too.

MiniMachine has finally picked up a little weight on her, she weighs 5lbs and 12 ozs. She eats like a little porker, which is good. Her weigh was worrying me there for a few days. Now I just can't wait for her umbilical cord to fall off so she can have a big girl bath rather than all the wipe-downs with baby wipes.

On the whole professional scope of things, there is a serious disadvantage to having a spouse who knows so much about your job. I've gotten to a point where I don't talk a whole lot about how much work bothers me about my EPR, etc, because Ziggy gets this irritated look on his face like he'd love to tell me what he really thinks, but knows that I'd be angry and/or hurt by anything he has to say......

It's looking rather likely that I will get to meet the infamous Eunuch next week. He is coming to the area and we are planning to do lunch and finally meet face-to-face.

Alright, well, that's about all for now........

Oh well....

As though the baby blues catching up to me isn't enough, I was checking the sites for the personnel of the Air Force, and I found out that my referral EPR that was in the works, finally passed everyone and became a matter of record. Ziggy thinks I should fight it, and quite honestly, I think I am all out of fight. After so long of fighting the system that is supposed to help, I think I give up. It seems rather obvious that from start to finish, the 'system' doesn't work or apply in regards to me. This whole experience has done absolutely nothing to raise any of my own self esteem(which has never been high), as the military would like folks to think it does. I suppose I should just face up to the fact that I'm not good for much of anything, nor at any particular job.

Stole it from Brookie.......

62 Odd Questions-------
[1] What is your middle name? Marie
[2] What color is your mailbox:Black
[3] Last time you kissed somone:Um, around 9AM, when I put the baby down for a nap
[4] Have you ever hit a deer?Yes
[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home? Yes
[6] Who checks the mail in your house?Me, for the most part
[7] how many tv's are in your house?3, I think
[8] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you?nope
[9] What do you do first in the morning? Um....go to the bathroom.
[10] What brand is your printer?Canon
[11] Do you enjoy fighting with people? Depends on if I am right or not, and if I think it's worth arguing over.
[12] Is your hair naturally straight or curly?straight
[13] Who was your kindergarten teacher? I don't remember
[14] Are you taller than your mother?oh yeah!!!
[15] Do you have a favorite word? Fucker (love ya, Chris!!!)
[16] Are you good?I've never had complaints......
[17] What do you do to get over a broken heart? Don't remember
[18] Do you have a deep dark secret? Um....hell, I don't remember.
[19] Drink of choice:non-alcoholic - dr pepper alcoholic - Sex on the Beach
[20] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?Blue and Black are colors, right???
[21] Does anything on your body hurt?My lower back
[22] Do you often cry during movies?sometimes
[23] Do you hate your life?absolutely not
[24] Number of pets: 3 cats.
[25] Are there any animals that scares you?Snakes
[26] Do you get mad easily?sometimes yes, sometimes no.
[27] Can't wait for? Baby weight to go away, Toby Keith concert, winter....
[28] What is your biggest pet peeve? Ridiculous people
[29] Favorite song: I dunno, I have a few
[31] Weather outside:warm & humid
[32] Most attractive quality about you: I dunno, ask Ziggy
[33] You're in the mood for? Cold Stone ice cream....
[34] Do any of your friends have kids?Most of them do
[35] If you could have a threesome with any 2 celebrities, who?I wouldn't.
[36] Do you have any friends?very few who are actually friends
[37] Do you have any mean friends?no, but I do have some mean ass aquaintances
[38] What is the ugliest color in your opinion?Chevy's burnt orange. Looks like it came out of a baby diaper
[39] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand?Yes
[40] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff? No, I have other methods
[41] Have you ever been fired from a job?yes
[42] What year was your house built?1969
[43] When was the last time you slept in someone elses bed? Last week, I was in the hospital
[44] What brand are the pant/jeans you're wearing?I don't have on jeans, I am have on jammies
[45] How tall are you?5' 3"
[46] What is the closest green object? extension cord, I think
[47] What is on your feet?nothing
[48] Do you always wear underwear?no
[49] Do you want to have kids? I have 3
[50] Who is the last person who you would expect to be gay?who knows?? to each their own
[51] Do you know how to draw? I can draw a mean stick man
[52] Whats your mother's middle name?Lynn
[53] Stupidest movie you ever saw:not sure, there's soooo many
[54] Do you collect comic books?no
[55] Do you look like your dad? Supposedly, yes
[56] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?Oh yes....
[57] Are you wearing make up?no
[58] Do you have a tattoo?yes
[59] You win the lottery and you:Get out of the Air Force, finish school, and invest money...and pay off all the bills
[60] How many pairs of underwear do you have?I've never counted, but now I'm curious
[61] Are you hungry at the moment? Mildly, yes
[62] Favorite movie of all time: It's a Wonderful Life.

1 week

Well, MiniMachine is 1 week old, and my 29th birthday has passed. I drove today, which was a first, so I don't have to be dependent on Ziggy for all transportation.

Juggling 3 kids isn't easy, and MiniZiggy is having a really hard time adjusting to having a little sister that takes attention away from him.

School has begun, and so has the battle to figure out when to do homework amidst kids. I'm thinking Tuesday will have to do, as Ziggy will be taking Scout and MiniZiggy to school/daycare, and I will be alone with MiniMachine. Ziggy lets me take naps, so I'm not totally wiped out, which is nice. MiniMachine sleeps for 4 hours at a time, so we're not up constantly like we were with MiniZiggy.

More updates later.....

Surprise, Surprise

Well, for those who keep up with me via the blog and no other means, here's the tale......

Saturday night, Ziggy and I go to bed around midnight. 3AM, sharp, I feel this bit of fluid escape me, thus I am awake. I go to the bathroom, thinking maybe my bladder let go a little. Nope....I lose a little more fluid. I'm thinking, "Uh-oh. Calling L&D, just to be on the safe side." L & D says to go to the Navy hospital, as the Langley hospital doesn't deal in premature baby care. Ok, that's fine, it's closer to the house anyways. So I wake up Ziggy and tell him that I have to go to the Navy hospital, that I think my water broke. I found this part amusing, he says"In bed?" I say yes. He says, " Did you leave a puddle??" I say no, and stifle a couple giggles.....

We get to the hospital finally(the place is a freaking labryinth), and they check me to see if my water had broken. The doc(visions of Doogie Howser, as this guy looked 19, tops - he was 27, with 4 kids, come to find out) says that he doesn't think my water broke, and the thought going through my head, is that he's wrong(cause I was leaking more at that point). So they wait about an hour and check again. Yup, water had broken, and I've dilated 2 cm more than I was the first time they checked.

MiniMachine was born via C-section at 1130AM on Sunday. 5lbs 7.5 ozs, 18 inches long. She had to stay in the NICU because she was so early, and they wanted to make sure that she was doing good with maintaining her body temp, and eating well, etc.......So far, so good, and she may get to come home tomorrow.

Early birthday present

Come to find out, my good friend Chris Daugherty is heading over to Iraq for his deployment. He's passing through Norfolk, VA, and I have an opportunity to see him. So, I'm taking leave next Wednesday and Thursday to hang out with him. That alone is birthday gift enough.

I went to my first Chemistry class last night, and I think that class is going to be a good deal easier than I had thought. That's good, as I can afford to concentrate a little more on Anatomy.

I am tired of being pregnant, and more than ready to be done with the whole ordeal......

Ziggy and Gramps, or why we end up with the person in our lives

After 58 years of marriage, Gramps succombed to leukemia and renal cancer, peacefully, in his sleep. I cannot fathom what it is to wake up knowing you will never see your spouse again. How Gram gets thorough each day, I can't imagine. Family coming by to see her, friends checking up on her, all of it is nice, I am sure, but I can't imagine going through every day thereafter and not going nuts without Gramps there.

Ziggy is my concrete reality in this crazy world, he is my rock. When we are apart, we call atleast twice a day. Sappy, I know, we are just that way. I can't go a night without hearing his voice before I go to sleep, he calls wanting to know how the morning went, was MiniZiggy fussy when he got up, did Scout get a move on like he doesn't like to do, etc. I know what it is to willingly do away with the married state, to electively be single again, as I have been divorced. But to lose the partner of your life, that you are happy with, I can't fathom that at all. I can't imagine the loss Gram feels, nor the disappointment of turning around in your own home, and not finding that person there, when they have been there for so long. I can't imagine my life without Ziggy, so I have no idea how Gram handles it everyday. I would crumple up and want to die right along with Ziggy, for the world pales without him in it.

Why do we end up with the person we share our life with? When I was 15, I met the man I figured I would end up with eventually. He was 18 at the time, and had just enlisted in the Marine Corps. As always, life is what happens when you are making other plans, and 4 and a half years later, we split up, and married other people. I still hear from him from time to time, we chat about our kids(he has a daughter by his ex-wife) and how work is, etc. I met Ziggy when I was 24, still married to Psycho, and fresh in the military. Little did I know that the man that was sitting 2 seats from me would be my husband in 2 and a half years' time. Gram and Gramps were childhood sweethearts, and the story goes that Gram told Gramps, at the ripe age of 12, "Douglas Sloan, I am going to marry you when we grow up." I can't say I had an inkling of that type of thought when Ziggy and I were dating. I wasn't so sure we were going to date for very long actually, for 2 reasons. 1, the man hated my dog with a passion. She was a lovely Siberian Husky, and would rub against his legs trying to get him to pet her. And left white hair on him everytime. 2. He was a bit rough around the edges, and I wasn't sure we'd last long before he'd tire of me. So why the man I met in the military rather than the one I met at 15 years old? Was Ziggy the man for me as an adult, rather than as a teenager? Possibly, I guess. Guess I'll never know......but I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Just when I thought things had levelled out

........I get thrown a curveball. So I'm at the office today, all pressed(ok, maternity BDU's look like ass regardless.....so I was looking a little less like ass today) and shiny boots, to go see TheMan today at 130. About 1230, his secretary comes over to my desk and tells me that the meeting is off, TheMan doesn't see a need for me to come talk to him(at which point WTF starts flying through my mind) at this point in time. So I'm going, "Hunh?!!?!?!?!" I'm officially lost at that point. About half an hour later, the Chief sticks his head in the office and asks if I have a few minutes to chat with him. So I troop into his office, and the whole conversation is over in say, 6 minutes, and at no point do either of us sit down.

The Chief tells me that TheMan has decided that now is no time to talk about my EPR( to which my thought process runs along the line of, "Well if course not, it doesn't affect him in the least!"), as, and I am quoting here, "There is no EPR." I tell the Chief that there is definitely an EPR, I have it on my desk. He looks mildly surprised and says, "Oh, so you've already got it?" At this point I am wondering what happened to the communications up to that point, since I felt pretty sure I had made it clear that I already had the filthy rag of a document in my possession. Yea, yea, digression, I know. What he tells me, in the way of it being a message from TheMan himself, is that I need to research any way to pursue my retraining without a 5 skill level. I get asked all these questions that I don't have immediate answers to, but I know where to go to get the answers. And I tell him all this. And for the most part, from what the Chief said, is that TheMan wants to find a way to go back and approve the retraining that I had been disapproved for 24 hours prior. At which point my WTF meter is pegged out.........so Monday I get to make lots of phone calls and go see people to find answers to questions.

More of the same

Yea, so I'm elbow deep(and that's pretty deep, considering I'm 5'3") in writing this whole package arguing why I'm not a referral 2 EPR. I'm polishing it all up, backing up my statements with documented facts, the whole nine yards, right? Everything is going swimmingly.........cue the JAWS music right about now. Well, before I can go talk to TheMan(squadron Commander) about it, pitch him my side of the situation, I have to go see 2 key people, a first seargent(hard to explain his function, other than a go-between for the enlisted corps to the officers), and the Chief of the squadron. The Chief is even harder to explain, since by his own definition, he's not in the chain of command. Ima leave that statement alone and continue with the days' events. So, like a good little Airman following the protocol, I troop into the Chief's office, folder of evidence in hand, ready to pitch my whole side to this man. I don't get the chance to open my mouth before I am told, and I am going to summarize here, that he is very loyal to TheTroll, who is a retired Chief himself, and that he fully supports anything that TheTroll has said, authorized, etc. He then goes on to tell me that pregnancy is a choice, that I wasn't hired to have kids, on and on. And then he drops the other shoe, saying in a nutshell, that nothing I can justify with all my documentation is going to change anything he already thinks. So, I sit back and let that rattle around in my head a moment, and then I ask him straight out if I'm understanding him correctly, that nothing I can say or show will change anything with the EPR outcome. According to Ziggy, I have, at that point, just called the man out on his own statement. All of a sudden, it's as though his whole mindset changed. He starts asking me questions about time frames and why I am doing such and such, and what the hold-ups are that are keeping certain things from happening, etc, etc. He starts giving me suggestions as to what to say to TheMan, what to show him, all of these things that 30 seconds beforehand, I am being told are null and void to the situation. All of a sudden, he's all helpfulness. I'm sitting there rather stunned, actually, at his transformation, all the while, trying not to let my thoughts cross my face.

So I walk out of the office and get my appointment to see TheMan tomorrow afternoon. Lunchtime goes by and I am on the phone with Ziggy, recounting the conversation with the Chief. Ziggy tells me that the Chief is one of those senior enlisteds(he's the highest paygrade that an enlisted can get to in the Air Force, the top 1% of the enlisted force) that is very used to people bowing to his stripes and not questioning what he says, regardless of if he's blowing smoke or not. From what Ziggy said, in my questioning him, it told him that I was really paying attention and saw through his smoke and mirrors, putting him into a position where he had to do something of substance rather than the company diatribe. I'm still a bit shocked by the encounter.

Then the bomb hits me after lunch, about 1PM. I get an email from the personnell agency of the Air Force, stating that my Commander has already recommended that I be disapproved for retraining, before I can get to see him and plead my case. So there goes my chance at retraining, straight down the toilet, more or less. It pretty much seals the coffin on my chances that I'll get it. Which has me rather down, since I was rather hopeful at the idea of pleading my case, having him hear my side of the story, etc. And here I am with this appointment to see TheMan tomorrow afternoon. Why am I still going to see him? The EPR, mainly, since the retraining bit has gone to hell in a handbag for the most part. Maybe I can fight that and come out a little better.

Oh I am so tired.......

MiniZiggy and I have been trading back and forth on a cold for a few weeks, and I think it's getting the better of the little guy. I went to pick him up from daycare today, and they told me that he's been a bit sad, fretful and cried a good bit today. Not like MiniZiggy at all. When we got home, it was more of the same, didn't want me far out of his sight, wanted to be held, etc, etc. So I think I may have to break down and take him to the doc next week some time.

The shots I was given on Monday and Tuesday have me feeling all flushed and very thirsty. I hope this wears off soon, as it's going to be more annoying than it already is.

I need a vacation.....

Quarters

I was in Labor and Delivery yesterday, for most of the day, having contractions. They gave me a shot of steroids to help mature MiniMachine's lungs, a shot to stop the contractions, and ran an IV through me. I had to go back today and get another steroid shot. Fun fun.

Ziggy left early this morning for Washington, for his grandfather's funeral. Hopefully MiniMachine will stay put atleast until he gets home. So, I have 2 days to do laundry, cleaning, and such. Fun. Ok, not really. I'm feeling a nap coming on....

Joe Lieberman

I'm sorry, guys, I have to comment on Joe Lieberman. Nothing about him losing the latest election, just a small commentary on the man's looks themselves. Why does he have that dumb-but-happy-and-clueless smile on his face any time you see him here lately? It reminds me of senior citizens without dentures in, and then they smile (cue the mental images of my mom)......

I'm sorry, but he just looks so dopey with that smile slapped on........had to comment, please continue with your day.

Thus it begins

...the end of my less-than-stellar Air Force career. 5 years into my enlistment, Vehicle Maintenance is giving me the nails that seal my coffin to kick me out. Within a year of my projected out date. Various things are cited, all of which I could answer, if I have my training records, which the Troll won't give me until he 'reviews' them. Pardon me if I don't wait with bated breath.


I am not going to Washington, and surprisingly enough, Ziggy's not arguing about it. I'd be an extra wheel anyways, and Kat and his family will be more than enough to help him through anything he may need out there.

Just goes to show more of what my parents told me as a kid is true........I've been worthless all my life, and always will be.

The remarkable inability to sleep

As though I don't have enough on my plate, I totally spaced and forgot to clean house today, since my uncle is coming to visit tomorrow. I took a nap instead. Didn't buy the plane tickets to Washington, either. Which means that they will cost even more as of tomorrow. Peachy.

So Ziggy and I troop to bed. Me to read, and him to sleep, as the last couple of days have caught up with him. I read, get drowsy, turn off the light, and my mind starts going a million miles an hour. Thus, keeping me awake. My week has been rather rough, even without Gramps dying and all that. Professionally, life sucks. Things are coming to a head to when decisions are being made, and as this is happening, I am supposed to be going to Washington for Gramps' funeral. And as things currently stand, I am going to have to participate in the fun of all this professional bit going on. My input is going to be critical, and on a time table that will be largely taken up by the trip to Washington, if it all comes down the way it's in the works to come down. Failure is not something I deal with well, and failing at the 6 years I have been in the Air Force is a serious blow to my self esteem, which has never been awfully high to begin with. I see this as yet another failure in a long stream of them, and it throws my equilibrium into chaos to think of the future. Ziggy keeps telling me to think positive, and I wish I could. After so long of being beaten down by a system, I have a hard time seeing any kind of positive in the situation, or seeing how I can convince my commander of anything else other than what is being said about me. It's happened in the past, and I just see it repeating itself all over again.

Part of me wonders if I should go to Washington or not. Ziggy's truck is in the shop, not due to be repaired until Monday, we have no one to look in on the cats while we are all away, all the work mess going on, plus baby issues, on top of school getting ready to kick back on for me, and Scout will be coming home soon. I don't do funerals, so all I'd be doing would be going all the way out there to watch MiniZiggy while everyone is at the funeral. And honestly, I can do that at home. That and part of me sees myself as intruding on the rest of them during all this. Ziggy is doing much better with the whole thing than I thought he would, and I don't think he's as dependent on me to get him thorough this as he may have thought in the first place. Plus, he will have Kat and all those who know him better than I do to be there for him. I always feel out of place when that happens, as though I am a 5th wheel and kind of forgotten until needed for something. I don't think Ziggy will need me for anything out there, anyways. I am not good at making folks feel better about death, nor am I good at making nice to people for the sake of their feelings, or my standing in their eyes. I'd do better to stay home, watch MiniZiggy, and go about work and such like normal.

Death of a good man

Doug Sloan, Ziggy's grandfather, passed away this morning, around 3AM, in his sleep. Ziggy has recovered a bit from basketcaseness, and we are probably going to Washington State next Tuesday, for the funeral.

So passes a good man, father and grandfather. He was a teacher, a sailor while in the Navy, and a community figure that folks looked to for wisdom, and a devoted husband. He taught Ziggy to be the man that he is, and I will always be grateful to him for that. May he rest in peace.

Here we go

Recall a bit back about Ziggy's Gramps? Well, Ziggy makes a phone call home today, and is surprised to learn that his Mom is home. My MIL is a workaholic. ANywhooo......

They've put Gramps on morphine now, and are installing an IV so that the hospice folks don't have to come give him shots, they can just do it in an IV drip. Being as I have a medical background, I know very well what all of this means. And I keep quiet, as I have to hold Ziggy together. Basically, it's very very bad now. Morphine is to keep patients comfortable at this point. And Morphine is bloody good at it's job. My MIL believes that tomorrow's dialysis treatment will be the last one. I can't argue that, I am not God by any means.

Ziggy wants his Mom to call the Red Cross at the crucial moment and have all of us sent to Washington. My MIL is worried that I shouldn't be on a plane, 7 weeks from my due date. Actually, it's more like 4 or 5 weeks, as the airlines have a restriction on how far a woman can be before they won't let her fly. So, that kinda puts Ziggy in a quandry. Does he call his dad, who does this type of thing for a living, or does he wait for his mom? Me? I say Ziggy calls himself and gets us pulled, but then again, what do I know, I am the wife that's been called home on Emergency Leave before, my experience counts nil at this point. So, I am seriously tempted to take matters into my own hands and call my FIL anyways. Ziggy is emotional, he can't think straight, this is where I come in as the stronghold. zSo I have Ziggy pretty much going to pieces on me(Gramps raised Ziggy), and saying that he can't go out there alone, he can't handle it, I have to be with him, cause I hold him together. Sweet, huh? I thought so, no sarcasm. No pressure, either, note sarcasm. I'm going to have the entire family on my hands, and me trying to hold them all together. Isn't there a disclaimer somewhere that says wives are only miracleworkers to their spouses and kids???? No?? Damn.....I could use that about now.....

The bad side of this, other than Gramps dying, is that my way of handling grief is bound the chafe my brother in law. I don't do funerals. I prefer to remember folks as alive, not made up in a coffin. Just my way. I have been to 2 funerals in my life, and I hardly knew either person, which also goes to say that I didn't especially care. This could bode badly for me and the BIL....

More to come, as always.....

Hazards of the paperless military

So I have my Tuition Assistance in hand and troop down to the Norfolk campus of Tidewater Community College to hand it in before the deadline of tomorrow. I hand in my TA to the Business Office and the woman tells me that all that form is, is the application for TA, not the approval. To which I politely show her the approval and the seal at the bottom of the page. Then she tries to tell me that the form isn't correct. (I'm starting to see a pattern here)....So I tell her that TA is done online now. She tells me that they can't accept that. To which I have to remind her that I'd just told her that online is the only way to get TA in the Air Force. She gives me this blank look, to which I give her a smug smile. Now, I am standing there at her window, in uniform, so it's not as though she could claim that I was trying to commit fraud or something. Then she informs me that they'll take it, this time, but that if there are any problems, they'll call me. To which I have to stifle laughter, as it was so ridiculous that I nearly laughed in her face. For crying out loud, you're getting money, DON'T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU! Never underestimate the power of human stupidity, it never fails to amaze.

Wheeew

Well, grades came out from summer semester. And, though I didn't make the C that would have ensured that I didn't have to take Chemistry next semester, I didn't fail. I made a D. And that was by fighting tooth and nail for it.....I am just very glad that the semester is over.......now I can concentrate a bit on getting ready for the new baby to get here.


Oh, and that 'Tax Free' sale that Virginia did this past weekend? Total rip-off. I bought a little over $1o0 in school supplies( list in hand at the store to prove it was actually required) and was told that the items(about 3) didn't qualify as 'school supplies' so I was charged sales tax regardless. What a total bogus deal. But then again, I have grown used to it from the Communist Commonwealth of Virginia.

A little update, and a little commentary...

So I go to the Radiology department at Langley AFB hospital yesterday, for yet another ultrasound. Still a girl, and still just one, much to Paul's chagrin. He'll get over it. Anyways,
my amniotic fluid(the cushion for the baby) is still low. So, I'm wondering what they are going to do with me now. This ought to be interesting.

Alright, my commentary. Being a servicemember, you're bound to get the occassional comment from folks(regardless, I might add, or whether or not you have spent any time in the war zone, OR whether or not the person commenting to you has a snowball's chance in hell of knowing what they are talking about) about The War. And I am sure that everyone is intelligent enough to realize that there are as many opinions on the topic as there are people commenting on it. Now, officially speaking, the members of the armed forces in the U.S. are not allowed to represent their own opinions as that of the military entity. But, I would like to educate the passersby to my blog, a little about the military, from a first-hand perspective, and a little insight into the minds of those of us who serve our country by wearing the uniform.

I come from a LONG, long line of military servicemembers. My grandfather served in the Army, in the calvary, when his primary mode of transport( a horse, yes, a living, breathing animal) was issued to him by the Army. My uncle parachuted into France at D-Day, and lived with his legs permanently blackened from being shot in the air on the way to the ground(that's illegal nowadays, but wasn't then). My dad was drafted during the Korean war and was stationed in Germany, and ran a grocery store that was on a train, for the Army. My oldest brother was drafted during Vietnam, and based on his looks(yes this is done in the military), was made an Intel guy. He was a Psychological Ops guy, meaning that he went in and collected intel in places that he blended in well with. For him, his area of the world was Central and South America. Anyone recall Panama in the 80's??? Yea.....my brother can't tell me what he did, or specifically where he was, but I know he was there, as he took his weapon with him, and let's just say that a 'visit' to Cancun doesn't include taking along uniforms and an M-16A2. My other older brother went into the Navy during Vietnam, and was a Corpsman(medical tech in the civvy world). I have 2 cousins in the military, plus me......so prick me, I bleed Army Green. So I joined up, and went into the Air Force.

I have been in the military, on active duty, for a little over 5 years. I have served in Iraq, at Balad AB/Camp Anaconda, something like 50 miles(depending on who's driving) from Baghdad. I was the first woman to go there and armor the trucks that go on the convoys. I've been shot at by people I never saw or met, simply because I was an American servicemember. I lived in fear of hearing the impacts of the mortars hitting the ground, and feeling the ground under my feet shake like an earthquake when those same mortars got close to where I was. I've sat in the bunkers outside the shop I worked, and talked with the guys I worked with about what meal I wanted to eat when I got home, and we'd describe it, too....in detail. What we wanted to drink, the things that we take for granted and complain about while home, those things are a source of comfort to those being shot at. Like mowing the grass, or pruning my rose bushes. It allows the mind to rest for a bit from the stress of hiding from the things that go bump in the night. I've woken up disoriented, as my mind would dream of home, and wake to the reality I wasn't there, and it becomes disorienting. I've been asked, by Scout, my 10 year old son, if I had to shoot anyone while I was in Iraq. I have a medal and the shellshock to prove I am a war veteran.

The American media, let me say, is terribly biased and terribly political. They report what they want people to believe, not what is happening. And most of the American people follow what they report, believe what they are told to believe, like cattle. It's no wonder that the public hates the war, believes that there's no good coming out of Iraq, etc, ad nauseum. So much for being able to think for one's self. Like animals led to the slaughter, the American media leads people to believe what they want them to believe, without the thought ever crossing their minds that the report might be biased, or not researched, etc. It's gospel truth cause it's on TV, right? Tommy Lee Jones was sooooo right when he talked about the difference between 'people' and 'a person' in the movie 'Men In Black'. I'll let you look it up and see what I am talking about. Talk to a servicemember, they can tell you what good is coming out of Iraq, you'll never hear it out of the American media.

My mother tells me on regular basis that we have no business sending 'our boys' into the Middle East. She neglects to recall her oldest daughter was there. But such is my mother. I've seen comments to servicemembers asking why we don't, for lack of a better way of putting it, negotiate our way our of going over there, why we go anyways, since 'we all know it's an illegal war'. Let me explain this a little bit. 2 May 2001, I put my right hand in the air, and took an oath that I would follow the orders of the President of the United States(regardless of my own opinion or what party he was from), and the officer and non-commissioned officers appointed over me. Meaning, that until my contract was up, or I was kicked out or killed, I would go where I was told, and do what I was told to do while I was there. nowhere, NO WHERE in there was there a clause for 'if I agree with the order' or 'if it's the right thing to do'. Let me make one thing very crystal clear......the elected officials, aka the politicians in the United States make the policy for the country. That is their job. The military is merely an enforcer/defender of that policy. THE MILITARY DOESN'T MAKE POLICY - IT'S NOT OUR JOB. So, 1 May of 2005, when I was handed orders sending me to Iraq, I had my opinions. And yes, I voiced them. But I went anyways. Why? Because it was an order. The military isn't consulted in whether or not we want to go to war. It's our job to fight the wars, that's why we are the military and there's no more draft. We volunteer for this job. We willingly sign up, wear the uniform, and go places others don't want to go. We don't have to like it, we just have to do it. The military falls under a whole additional code of laws and regulations, called the UCMJ, the Uniform Code of Military Justice. And violation of that code brings punishment ranging ffom extra duty and loss of pay to imprisonment, and in certain instances, death. Things like not paying your bills are punishable under that code, and you can be kicked out for that. In combat, we fall under the Laws of Armed Conflict, which dictate what we can bomb, who we can kill, and in what circumstances. For instance, your local church....in itself, according to the Laws Of Armed Conflict, can't be bombed, as it's not a military target. But, if folks use that church to store bombs and such, then game on....it's also policy that we don't represent our opinions as the opinions of the military. So that ought to tell you why we don't negotiate our way out, blah, blah, blah.....

My bottom lines for this are simple.....for one, know what the hell you are talking about before you start questioning servicemembers about why we do things like go to war. Research, know what you are talking about. Don't take everything on TV as gospel. It's not. Don't hate the military for following our orders. We do it so you don't have to. Think of it like that. Don't protest my fellow servicemembers who died. For one thing, they don't notice you, they are dead. For another, show some freaking respect for the dead. Protest the war to those who decide to send the military, not to the military itself, people are wasting their breath and time thinking that the military is going to change whether or not we get sent. Efforts are totally misdirected.

As one last little bit on this, let me say this......if someone breaks into your house, holds you and your loved ones at gunpoint, and you have a gun as well, are you going to negotiate your family loved ones out of harm's way? Not me, hell no. That person will die, and by my hands. I will defend my family as I havedefended my country, for we should love both the same way.

Funny, though true, things about pregnancy....

Dedicated to CrazyGirl!!!!!


Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough .

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will the baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth .

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Hot summer

And it's even worse when heavily pregnant.

Beefcake got here......crazy as ever. Gotta love seeing friendly faces from back home.

I got to talk to my friend Chris Daugherty the other day. Always good times talking to him, he makes me laugh so much. I miss him and his family so much.

Ziggy's grandfather is getting sicker, apparently. Ziggy got a call from his brother, talking about how they have started hospice care for Gramps, and that he's got about 6 months to live. Gramps suffers from 2 types of cancer, one renal, and the other is leukemia. The treatment for the leukemia is so brutal that Gramps opted out of it. Hoapice care is for those who are terminally ill, which we knew Gramps was, but there wasn't a timetable attached to it or anything. This is upsetting to Ziggy, as he was raised by his grandparents. Ziggy will be devastated when Gramps dies, and I will have a basketcase on my hands........I love Ziggy to death, but I don't know if I can hold Ziggy together through this. I'll try......

30 weeks down, 9 to go in this pregnancy. I can hardly wait to be not pregnant anymore. MiniMachine is showing signs of wanting to come early, and as long as she waits until after 36 weeks, things should be fine. I go to the doctor again on Monday, so we'll see if they shorten my work hours any more or not. I have another ultrasound next week, too, so we'll see.....

I applied to crosstrain jobs in the Air Force. Not holding my breath that it will happen, but we'll see....

That's about it for now....

Gracious I need to update

Well, since I've been dreadfully behind, here's an update....

1. 30 weeks gestation have arrived, 9 to go. I am very ready to get my body back.

2. 280 days left in the Air Force, barring some miracle.

3. Beefcake has made it to the Langley area, always good to see friendly faces from home.

4. Ziggy and I painted MiniZiggy and MiniMachine's room last night. Second coat to go on today, get them moved into the room by the end of the week.

5. I bought myself a little Jeep to ride around town in, go to beach and get sandy in. Ziggy already has plans for modifications. Nothing overly drastic, though.

6. I FINALLY passed a test in my Microbiology class. Made me feel so good. Also gives me a glimmer of hope that I may actually be able to pass, if only by the seat of my pants.

Memory Lane and an update

I'm not a big fan of class reunions. And for the most part, my reasoning in why, is pretty simple. If I had wanted to continue knowing certain people from that time in my life, I would still keep up with them. Hence why I don't do class reunions. So, I keep up with 2-3 folks I either went to high school with, or knew while I was in high school. And that contact is fairly sporadic. I'm just not into hanging onto all that, for some reason. Here is where Ziggy and I differ in a MAJOR way. Ziggy keeps up with plenty of folks that he knew and went to high school with. One of them is relatively famous, since he plays football in the NFL, and used to play defender to the one and only Peyton Manning. Hell, I think I know more of Ziggy's friends than he knows mine. I don't keep friends for long periods of time. And the few(I can count them on 1 hand) that I do still have, have my undying love and loyalty. I will drop everything and help them out, cause they have done the same for me in times past.

So why all that info?? Well, I was thinking about a friend of mine from high school, and hadn't heard from him in a while, so I popped him an email. Then I got curious about a few others I had known in high school, so I hit up MySpace and looked up those that had graduated the same year from my high school. That brought back lots of memories, but the one thing that stood out the most was that most of the 'popular' folks I knew in high school, are still in the area that we went to high school in. Now granted, I'm not originally from a small town like Ziggy is. I grew up in a suburb of Atlanta. I am not, in any way, sentimentally tied to that area. I hate Atlanta. I abhor all big cities. I don't go back unless I absolutely have to. In the 5 years I have been in the military, I have gone home all of twice. Ziggy has gone to see my folks more than I have. But I think it all boils down to me in a way.......I'm one of those people that lives very much in my own skin. I'm not into nick-nacks, I don't decorate my house all that much(Ziggy's WAY more into that than I am), I have memories and they serve me well enough that I don't think too much about displaying things. I'm not attached to my childhood home, nor to my family. I call home once a week to keep my mom off my back(doesn't always work, believe me). If anything, I am more attached to my in-laws than I am my own family that raised me. So I don't go to class reunions, nor do I still talk to everyone I knew in high school.......

As for the update.....I think I have a case of the blahs. I'm restless, and a bit down. I think I'm down cause of all the insanity that is swirling around my pregnancy and with school. It's all rather frustrating and can be depressing at times. I have started having terrible dreams, too. Last night I dreamed that Scout let MiniZiggy jump into a pool(the baby can't swim, neither can Scout) and just stood there watching his little brother start to drown. I come running outside and dive into the pool after MiniZiggy and haul him out, then procede to nearly kill Scout for not doing anything about his brother. I was shaken awake by Ziggy telling me to wake up, that everything was fine, it was a bad dream........

Watching Scout here of late, I see the patterns of things that have happened in the past with his father. With his younger siblings, he was useless. No common sense whatsoever. And I am seeing it come about in Scout as well, no matter how I try to combat it. And it's not just in relation to MiniZiggy. His whole way of conducting himself, and caring for himself is so unhealthy, I odn't know what to do to change it. He halfasses everything he does. And no matter what I try, nothing changes it. I am terrified that he will move out and end up a bum like his father, incapable of taking care of himself in the most basic of ways. It completely terrifies me.

Alright, I think that's enough for now.

So much for infinite sadness

Now it's infinite frustration. My patience isn't infinite, that's for sure. I am not known for being a patient person, not by a long chalk. Unresolved frustration combined with the insanity that has become this pregnancy, and I am not a pleasant person right now. Not sexual frustration, just frustration that I'm not getting into in this forum.

Wow

Well, since the initial shock has worn off, I can announce what shocked me in the first place.

So Friday, Ziggy takes Scout to the hematologist at the Navy base. He was referred to them because his pediatrician couldn't nail down what was causing all these nosebleeds (despite meds and humidifiers) and all these bruises that he was keeping for so long. Now as to the bruising, I understand that 10 year old boys are going to bang up their legs. He played baseball, so I didn't think anything of it while he was playing. But he no longer plays. And these bruises were staying for weeks at a time. Thus we ended up a the hematologist. And I got a serious blow.

Scout has hemophilia. My baby(yea, he's 10, but he's my baby) has a clotting disorder. Type A, mild hemophilia. Meaning that now I want to treat him with kid gloves, all delicate like. But I am trying not to do that. We were given medication that we have to take with us when we travel, in case he gets hurt badly. He was told all of these sports that he can't participate in because of potential injury to him, like Tae Kwon Do(which he wanted to try this fall, since he gave up baseball). Supposedly it's mild, so it's not as though he has to wear padding and such. He's not nearly to the severity of one of the most famous sufferers of hemophilia, Alexei Romanov, the tsarevitch of Russia. That gives me some comfort.

So now I have to have MiniZiggy tested for it when he goes in for his 2 year appointment. And MiniMachine when she makes her appearance, will have to be tested as well. Who knows what this means for my pregnancy. Or for any other children that Ziggy and I have after this one. What really gets to me is that mothers are most often the carriers of the disorder, though never affected by it. Males are the most common people to suffer from it. Yippee. Note sarcasm in my enthusiasm. So part of me feels terrible that I, unknowingly, gave this to my son. Peachy. Just what a parent DOESN'T want to do to their kids, right?

So there ya go.

Hooray!!

Someone smiled on me and I am no longer working in the flight from hell! I got hoisted out of there, much to the chagrin of the civilian I was working for. Heck, he even admitted that he wouldn't miss me, but was tired of getting people trained and then having them moved out of his section. Guess he forgets that the only thing constant in the miitary is change.

So I now do Ziggy's old job. Beats driving in the humidity all day!!!!

Less than 300

I have 298 days left in the US Air Force. That's the current count........

Aftermath

So Ziggy and I talked.......and while I am not 100% recovered from the whole experience, I do feel better.

Fourth of July weekend is a 4 day event for us this year, as we are off on the 3rd as well. This is allowing us to relax, sleep in, watch TV mindlessly for a while, and play with the kids. All good times.

So have fun guys......

Oh, and Eunuch, enjoy your last holiday in country, man!!!!

Marriage advice

In the spirit of CrazyGirl eloping, I offer to the masses my own marriage advice.....or atleast things that I have been told by others that have been married longer than I have:

1. From my mother, who has been married to Daddy for almost 57 years.....Never hang wallpaper with your spouse.

2. For wives, keep a HDD(Husband Discipline Device, i.e. marble rolling pin) in the kitchen, in plain view, and regardless of whether or not you actually use it in cooking.

3. Communicate, communicate, communicate....even if you know that you are going to totally botch what you are trying to say. Keep trying, it's bound to come out right sooner or later.

4. Girls, be a woman and put the toilet seat down your own self. You're a grown woman, and it takes longer to bitch about it than it does to actually do it.

5. Spend quality time together, not doing any kind of housework or home improvement.

6. No name calling in arguments.

7. Try to stay calm during an argument. I know, I know, hard to do.....but try anyways. May save you alot of trouble later.

8. Make an occassion of birthdays. Note I didn't say make a big deal. It doesn't have to be everyone showing up for a party. A simple card to the one having the birthday can be perfectly acceptable, reminding them that you remembered...

9. Be supportive of each other and your dreams.

10. Once people marry, lots of them forget how to be friends with each other. This is a fundamental thing. Because after a couple kids and a long day at work, passion is not the easiest thing to bring about. Passion is passing. Friendship can stand the test of time.

11. Do not, under ANY circumstances, marry to cover up something in the past. It will eventually resurface and blow things to hell.

12. Arguments will happen. You will not always agree with your spouse. This is NOT a sign that the marriage is in trouble. It's a sign that two people don't agree and need to talk out the issue and reach a reasonable conclusion.

13. Try not to fight over petty things. Marriage is hard enough without creating extra drama.

14. This one comes from the movie Forces of Nature....whenever you feel stressed out with your spouse, that they are grating your nerves and running you absolutely bonkers, keep in mind that at some point, they are dealing with the exact same feelings about you. It helps keep things in perspective.

15. Keep holding hands in public. I know, sounds rather silly, right? Believe me, after a while of being married, people stop doing the little things like that. They become roommates rather than long term lovers.

16. Try to take an interest in one of your spouse's hobbies. Even a minor interest can be better than total ignorance.

17. Work as a team. This comes from my experiences in having to work with Ziggy while AT WORK. Ziggy and I have only had to work directly with each other a handful of times(being as we're military, it's not allowed, but in this instance, it was a rare happenstance. We were the two that had the most experience, so we had to do the job), but we have a certain formula when we have to do it. Decide what the plan is, and then follow through it.

18. Do not try to change your spouse completely. Softening the rough edges, I can understand(and sympathize with). But to change who they are is just wrong. And remember, they are always thinking that there is something that could be changed about you as well.

19. Do not lose your self identity in your marriage. I am Mrs. Ziggy, yes. But I have my own interests, tastes and hobbies that are seperate from Ziggy. Being married doesn't mean that you have to assume a new identity, nor that you must be someone you are not. It just means that you have another hat to wear.

20. Something to remember in marriage, and it comes from the movie Shall We Dance(the Richard Gere/J. Lo flick).......in getting married, you are, essentially, saying that you will bear witness to someone's life. You will notice the small things that thrill and excite them, and remember them. You will know what they go through for different goals in life, because you have committed to be there for it. You will celebrate semmingly small victories with them because you have committed to them that it will matter to you. I agree that when you recite vows in the ceremony, it all sounds like alot of things you never think you'll ever do...but the bottom line is that you are promising to be there for them through it all....the good, the bad and the ugly. Big things and little things.

I think that'll do it for now......Congratulations, CrazyGirl!!!

Rapid descent

So ever since Ziggy got back, he's been different. Little things, like I've mentioned before. But it seems to be compounding, and progressively getting bigger. And when I asked Ziggy about one in particular(and a fairly personal one at that), I get this answer that boggles my mind. The answer was so completely opposite of every action that it threw me way off my bearings. To the point I am wondering something I never thought I'd ever suspect of Ziggy.......Could Ziggy have slept with Kat while deployed?

The very thought of it's being possible runs chills through me that I haven't had in years. Tears try to well in my eyes, and part of me feels as though everything that I have been holding dear and of value between Ziggy and I is unravelling with the speed of bullet train. I never ever thought I'd come to suspect this of him. But like I've said, there have been little things that keep adding up and pointing to it. I keep thinking that maybe I am overreacting, jumping to conclusions. I am trying to keep myself calm, but it doesn't seem to work. .......I feel as though my whole world has begun to crumble........

Quick disconnect

So since Ziggy has been home, I have noticed more and more of a seperatist movement with him. Little things, I suppose...we don't snuggle anymore, we don't watch TV together much anymore, things like that. Even when we sleep.....We used to go to bed at the same time, and not nearly as much anymore. Things like that.....and it's started to bother me a bit. Not sure if it's the transitioning from being deployed thing(I don't recall this from when I came home), or something deeper. Maybe it's me.........something doesn't feel like Ziggy used to, and I can't pinpoint what it is. Something deep down...I don't know......

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

Thanks to the band, Smashing Pumpkins, there's the title for this entry.

Melancholy, or by definition, low spirits, or depression. Yes, I'd say that's a fair description of me lately. I haven't been feeling entirely well here lately, and any time I mention it to Ziggy, he blows me off, saying that I am worrying too much. So I do my best to seem at my normal self. I'm not sure what has brought on the melancholy, but I sense it in myself, and am not altogether sure how to handle it.

As for Infinite Sadness, not too sure where this is coming from either, but have a underlying sense of sadness, for some reason. I haven't mentioned it to Ziggy, but have kept it pretty much to myself.

Be well...