The remarkable inability to sleep

As though I don't have enough on my plate, I totally spaced and forgot to clean house today, since my uncle is coming to visit tomorrow. I took a nap instead. Didn't buy the plane tickets to Washington, either. Which means that they will cost even more as of tomorrow. Peachy.

So Ziggy and I troop to bed. Me to read, and him to sleep, as the last couple of days have caught up with him. I read, get drowsy, turn off the light, and my mind starts going a million miles an hour. Thus, keeping me awake. My week has been rather rough, even without Gramps dying and all that. Professionally, life sucks. Things are coming to a head to when decisions are being made, and as this is happening, I am supposed to be going to Washington for Gramps' funeral. And as things currently stand, I am going to have to participate in the fun of all this professional bit going on. My input is going to be critical, and on a time table that will be largely taken up by the trip to Washington, if it all comes down the way it's in the works to come down. Failure is not something I deal with well, and failing at the 6 years I have been in the Air Force is a serious blow to my self esteem, which has never been awfully high to begin with. I see this as yet another failure in a long stream of them, and it throws my equilibrium into chaos to think of the future. Ziggy keeps telling me to think positive, and I wish I could. After so long of being beaten down by a system, I have a hard time seeing any kind of positive in the situation, or seeing how I can convince my commander of anything else other than what is being said about me. It's happened in the past, and I just see it repeating itself all over again.

Part of me wonders if I should go to Washington or not. Ziggy's truck is in the shop, not due to be repaired until Monday, we have no one to look in on the cats while we are all away, all the work mess going on, plus baby issues, on top of school getting ready to kick back on for me, and Scout will be coming home soon. I don't do funerals, so all I'd be doing would be going all the way out there to watch MiniZiggy while everyone is at the funeral. And honestly, I can do that at home. That and part of me sees myself as intruding on the rest of them during all this. Ziggy is doing much better with the whole thing than I thought he would, and I don't think he's as dependent on me to get him thorough this as he may have thought in the first place. Plus, he will have Kat and all those who know him better than I do to be there for him. I always feel out of place when that happens, as though I am a 5th wheel and kind of forgotten until needed for something. I don't think Ziggy will need me for anything out there, anyways. I am not good at making folks feel better about death, nor am I good at making nice to people for the sake of their feelings, or my standing in their eyes. I'd do better to stay home, watch MiniZiggy, and go about work and such like normal.