W

So, in an attempt to salvage what GPA I have left, I have withdrawn out of my Anatomy class this semester. Next semester, I may take off, try to relax, and decide if Nursing is really what I want to do or not. Then I'll get my plan together with whatever I decide to do. I have to pay the money back, which is no big deal, but I need some time off, get myself together, and then regroup and move on.

Too funny

My squadron commander, who I see on a pretty regular basis, was having problems between his email interface at work, and what he sees at home. So, he goes to the folks in our squadron who deal with the computers for help.

They aren't there. The lights in the office aren't on, either. So what does this LtCol do??

Stand at the door, and bang on it, calling out, "Hello???? Is anyone there? I need help!"

Priceless.

Whatever I want to do

In 6 short months, I will be discharged from the US Air Force, free to go about my business. Ziggy and I were talking last night, and he made the comment that I'll be free to do whatever I want, and in my timeframe. Meaning I can slow down and do things better, rather than stressing myself out like I have been for I can't remember how long.

So, anything I want......such a wide open statement. For someone who is used to being on the go, at full throttle most of the time, it's hard to slow down. So I may just relax a bit next semester. Not take anything too stressful, if I go to school next semester. I feel as though a good bit of weight has been taken off my shoulders....

Howdy

You know, I am really starting to wonder whether or not I've hit a lull or something in my relationship with Ziggy. He came home from his deployment a bit detatched. I understand this, I get it. Been there done it. Got over it. I thought. I don't know...he's still a bit detatched, and in ways I wouldn't have expected. Almost like he resents my job, me, etc.........concerns me.....

My favorite season

Nothing like fall to make me miss Alaska all the more. Fall/Winter is my favorite season. I love the changing leaves on trees. I love college football on TV. I love using my crock pot for dinners throughout the season. I love the cold weather......I just love fall.

It is a beautiful though blustery day here in Tidewater Virginia. And though I am sitting in Virginia, my mind carries me back to Alaska, and the winters I spent there. The October that I bought my four wheeler, and Ziggy and I took it out riding for the first time. We went out to our favorite riding spot, Jim's Creek. It was frigid cold, a beautiful clear day, with the first snow of the winter on the ground. Riding out to Jim's Creek is a breathtaking sight in itself. Outside of Anchorage, the land is flat, making the mountains seem even more impressive when you see them. Like they have just cropped up, and I mean straight up vertical. One gets the point that man is NOT the biggest thing in Alaska, and why it's called the Great Land by the natives. Riding a four wheeler gives me the greatest sense of being free, as speed feels decidely different on a ATV rather than in a car. Zipping over the mud flats towards the glacier, with nothing out there with you except well, Alaska itself. The mountains tower on either side of you, the glacier ahead of you, and far enough out of town(which isn't all that far or hard to come by in Alaska) that your cell phone is of no use. Ziggy and I would ride most of the morning away, and around lunch time, head to a little Mom & Pop restaurant for lunch. This place was great. As with most places in Alaska, ATV's or snowmachines parked in a parking lot are no out of place nor uncommon in winter. This place made everything fresh, except the soup, and then it was made fresh atleast that morning. Folks in riding gear were welcome and made to feel at home, and if you left hungry, well, it wasn't their fault. Some of my favorite memories of Alaska involve riding a four wheeler.
So Ziggy has a surprise for me, we are going riding here in a couple weeks. Granted, it's not Alaska, but it's time spent across a four wheeler, and I have done far too little of that since moving to Virginia. I can hardly wait!!

Ugh

I have GOT to stop eating junk food.......I gotta lose this baby weight.....

Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies are my current downfall, along with my addiction to Dr. Pepper. Yea, I gotta cut back alot, at the very least.....

Oh, and I bought MiniMachine a bedding set for her crib, get this - $118 on eBay, and it's Pottery Barn stuff!!!! It usually goes for $200+ from the store itself!!! I soooo got a good deal. I sold my series of Buffy on DVD, so it's like I really didn't pay anything for it anyways.....Gotta love eBay!!!!

Nap time

OOOooooooo I could so use a nap. A nice long one, a good 3-4 hours.


CrazyGirl was in town this past weekend, and I think she caught a bit of baby fever after holding MiniMachine. MiniMachine played it up, of course, looking cute at all times..

Georgia Tech, my college football team, is doing well this season. They are playing Clemson this weekend, and htat promises to be a good game.

Scout, I have no idea what I am going to do with this kid. He was failing English, and now his grades in Science and Math are starting to drop. His teacher called last night and was telling me what was going on, and I am just at a loss as to how to motivate the kid to actually do his work. It doesn't really help that the school almost blames the parent for the child not doing his work. I can make him sit and do the homework, but apparently he's not turning things in, or something. I don't know what to do about him.

I feel a bit better as far as being down goes, but I have good days and bad days. MiniZiggy seems to up it a good bit. He's in this kick of screaming and squealing any time he doesn't get his way, or wants attention. If he doesn't want to do something he will let me hold his hand, but won't stand up or walk, so I end up dragging him around, as I refuse to carry him. It's frustrating and gives me more stress, and I have no patience with it. I don't know how to get him to act differently, as I am pretty sure that daycare adds into this with other kids doing the same things, etc.

I think I really took on more than I could handle this semester. My stress level is so high that it never seems to let up, and I am having a harder time relieving it. The usual measures don't seem to help. Anatomy class is stressing me out bad, and no matter what I try, I don't catch on to some of the concepts, and they are pretty vital for things on down the line. I am not testing well, either, and that adds to the stress. Next semester will be different, I hope.

I have been thinking about taking my doc up on her offer of meds for the depression. Ziggy was less than thrilled with the idea of meds, but I'm not sure how to go about making things better. Maybe I need to contact the mental folks here on base and see what they have to say.

I've been back at work now for about 2 weeks, and some things never change. The good news is that I no longer belong to the vehicle maintenance flight, and they have no influence on me now. That is a relief, as the last 195 days that I have in the Air Force may well pass more smoothly and more pleasantly.

On a rant....pardon if it's nonsensible...

I don't know how some people in this world can shut off the ability to express anything to anyone else. Just push it all the way down and not care about what's going on, never tell anyone about it cause God forbid you might seem human. And certainly don't tell those closest to you what you think/feel, because it might actually involve them and be important to them that you said something. You'd rather lose out on that relationship than show true feeling. The day will come, mark my words, when that is the unravelling point of your relationship with me. I figured you'd get over that, apparently I was wrong. This is what will tear us apart, it's a matter of time.

Details, details

First off, Ziggy and I ate at Ruth's Chris steakhouse....good food...it was nice to get out without the kids.....

Last night Ziggy and I went to see Toby Keith in concert. Pretty good show, I enjoyed it. That was the first time Ziggy and I have been to a concert together. Aerosmith will be here next weekend, but I'm not going. That's my favorite band, but the prices of the tickets are a bit steep.

Well, I have been back to work for 4 days now. Lots has stayed the same, with minor changes. My boss is talking about whipping out some miracle to keep me in the Air Force, though I don't know what he's got in mind yet. We have an exercise next week (groan), so things are going to be a bit hectic. And of course, all plans for this exercise have to change back and forth atleast 3 times before the thing kicks off. That's a headache in and of itself.

School, I wish was going better. My Chemistry class is going better than I expected. Anatomy seems to be giving me a headache. I study for things, go in to take a test or quiz, and then can't seem to make better than a 60%. My study-mates have decided that I am just a poor test taker, and I can't really argue with that. Our tests and quizzes are timed, 1 minute per station, and I have never done well under those circumstances.

Speaking of school, Scout is failing his English class. His teacher says that he blatantly refuses to complete and hand in homework and classwork. He tried telling me that it was just a one-time thing that the teacher is basing it off of, but I am not buying that story. I even explained it to him, but I don't think I made a dent.

Alright, I think that's about it for right now.....

More of the same

I spent most of the day trying not to cry in front of Ziggy and the kids. As I got closer to bedtime, and more 'alone' with Ziggy, it got harder. The kids are a distractor, since one of them always wants or needs something. Once they go to bed, then it's just me, Ziggy and MiniMachine.

Tomorrow is my last day of maternity leave, and then it's back to the grind. I'm not looking forward to it, as life will be getting decidedly busier, with school.

I am calling for info about a second job tomorrow. Ziggy wants to know why I want a second job, and it seems that he's forgetten that we talked about this, and about it being a good thing, etc. It's funny how the man who's always thinking about money never thought that it (money) might be the very reason I'd be getting a second job. He asked why it had to be me, and I said it was because I was the one that wouldn't be in the military anymore. He hasn't mentioned it ever being him to get another job. He was asking when I would start nursing school, and come to find out, it coincides with the next time he's supposed to deploy. Aren't I excited? Can't you feel my enthusiasm?? I asked my MIL if she ever reached a point where she resented my FIL's job( he's retired from the Army), and she said yes. I think I've gotten there, myself, though I know what the life is like. I can't help feeling the resentment and just having to put up with the Air Force, and the kids and I coming after it. Maybe I am being selfish.....

The Dump da-dump da-dump dump dump.....

So here I sit...and I feel pretty much like a basketcase. I feel so stressed out, it's almost unbearable. Between having to go back to work on Tuesday, and school, I am a basketcase. I feel extra pressure to compensate for the salary I won't be getting upon my discharge from the military.

Ziggy has started denoting what can be done away with since our income won't be the same as it is now, which adds pressure to me. I feel as though the stability of my home life and marriage depends on my employment, and part of me laments getting out of the military just in that case. Some of the comments that he makes, though I am not sure that they are meant to be snide, come off to me like they are jabbing at me and my performance in the military, along with anything that he doesn't say, and I can tell that he keeps quiet about.

My MIL and I were chatting and we were talking about men in Ziggy's family, and how they relate to women, etc...I was recounting to Ziggy the conversation, and something came up about a point in time between us that we almost weren't married, and the comment was made that Ziggy had never made an effort to talk me into staying with him rather than not. This look of mild suprise went across my husband's face, and something jarred me, and has stayed with me ever since......quite honestly, if it ever came down to it, I don't think Ziggy would ever ask me to stay with him. He'd stay quiet, let me go, and keep the kids..except for Scout, I guess, since he's not his by blood or anything. I don't think it would cross his mind to ask me to stay. He doesn't say alot of things to me, for whatever reason, and it makes me wonder when I became so weak as to be told I was needed or wanted in someone else's life. I try to do everything that I didn't do in my first marriage, in order to make Ziggy happy, and by all impressions, I could leave and bottom line, it wouldn't make a difference. He would rather I leave what all we've had behind rather than tell me how he feels, or what he thinks. I worry that the change of my getting out of the military will have us end up like his parents, seperated. Any time I mention this to Ziggy, trying to get what I think and feel out of my head, he stays quiet, which tends to frustrate me more. He's never been one to tell what he thinks or feels, and that really bothers me. We will be married for 3 years in January, and I keep waiting on the other shoe to drop. My last marriage ended at 3 years and 9 days. I'm scared to death of life outside the military(it offers a deal of security) and feel it compounded that I can't tell Ziggy what I feel or think because it ends up a one-sided conversation. So there goes any comfort that I may get....

So I am feeling depressed, and for the last few days, I have stayed on the verge of crying on a regular basis. So I lay my thoughts here on my blog, not that Ziggy reads it, but atleast if I have a one-sided conversation, I can say everything and not have to see the blank expression on Ziggy's face, the internet is a bit more anonymous.

I'm still here

So much for maternity leave being restful. Mine couldn't be more busy. School, doctor's appointments, errands......not to mention housework. Not enough hours in the day, especially when you do dishes at 2:30AM cause you're up waiting on the baby's bottle to warm up. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep, and I don't get naps during the day, so I am doubly tired....

MiniZiggy's second birthday was yesterday, not that he noticed. He has hit the terrible two's and it's in full swing. He screams at anything that remotely doesn't get him what he wants. He never wants Mama anymore, he wants Daddy, and will pitch a hissy fit to get him. He's going to the doctor for a check up on Thursday, yea, that's not going to be fun, as it includes shots.....

School is going well, considering I have some rather hard classes this semester. But I am trying my best, going in for extra help, and trying to muddle through as best I can.

Feeling a bit lonely and a bit out of sorts. I don't really want to go back to the routine of work, although the man I work for makes life rather easy, working for him. Just the 'whirl' of being back is not something I look forward to. It's ok, though, here in a few more months, it'll all be over, and I will be moving on to other things.