So here I sit...and I feel pretty much like a basketcase. I feel so stressed out, it's almost unbearable. Between having to go back to work on Tuesday, and school, I am a basketcase. I feel extra pressure to compensate for the salary I won't be getting upon my discharge from the military.
Ziggy has started denoting what can be done away with since our income won't be the same as it is now, which adds pressure to me. I feel as though the stability of my home life and marriage depends on my employment, and part of me laments getting out of the military just in that case. Some of the comments that he makes, though I am not sure that they are meant to be snide, come off to me like they are jabbing at me and my performance in the military, along with anything that he doesn't say, and I can tell that he keeps quiet about.
My MIL and I were chatting and we were talking about men in Ziggy's family, and how they relate to women, etc...I was recounting to Ziggy the conversation, and something came up about a point in time between us that we almost weren't married, and the comment was made that Ziggy had never made an effort to talk me into staying with him rather than not. This look of mild suprise went across my husband's face, and something jarred me, and has stayed with me ever since......quite honestly, if it ever came down to it, I don't think Ziggy would ever ask me to stay with him. He'd stay quiet, let me go, and keep the kids..except for Scout, I guess, since he's not his by blood or anything. I don't think it would cross his mind to ask me to stay. He doesn't say alot of things to me, for whatever reason, and it makes me wonder when I became so weak as to be told I was needed or wanted in someone else's life. I try to do everything that I didn't do in my first marriage, in order to make Ziggy happy, and by all impressions, I could leave and bottom line, it wouldn't make a difference. He would rather I leave what all we've had behind rather than tell me how he feels, or what he thinks. I worry that the change of my getting out of the military will have us end up like his parents, seperated. Any time I mention this to Ziggy, trying to get what I think and feel out of my head, he stays quiet, which tends to frustrate me more. He's never been one to tell what he thinks or feels, and that really bothers me. We will be married for 3 years in January, and I keep waiting on the other shoe to drop. My last marriage ended at 3 years and 9 days. I'm scared to death of life outside the military(it offers a deal of security) and feel it compounded that I can't tell Ziggy what I feel or think because it ends up a one-sided conversation. So there goes any comfort that I may get....
So I am feeling depressed, and for the last few days, I have stayed on the verge of crying on a regular basis. So I lay my thoughts here on my blog, not that Ziggy reads it, but atleast if I have a one-sided conversation, I can say everything and not have to see the blank expression on Ziggy's face, the internet is a bit more anonymous.
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