I don't understand people, I guess

Here of late it seems like it is 'Dump on AFeskimo' day. Only the day tends to last for multiple ones.

Anyhow, I guess I don't understand something when it comes to talking to folks that are supposed to be friends. Or are almost friends, potential friends, etc. So I was talking to Other a couple nights ago, and we did a little walk down memory lane, talked over the one cosmic question that I had for him, and that was about it. Conversation ends with me thinking that it was a decent conversation, we didn't argue, which I was particularly proud of, and away I go on with my day. Apparently I was wrong. I got an email, that to sum up, basically said that he didn't want to talk about the cosmic question at all, that he should have ended that then, but that he doesn't like the way I portray him here on my blog. Ok, first off, read the print below the name of the blog. I'm not apologizing for myself or my mind on this one, sorry. What gets written is what's in my head. Got issues with that? Then don't read it. Plain and simple.

Perhaps I am naive. It wouldn't be the first time I have been so. Perhaps I am too trusting in those around me. I have always been guilty of that. I care too much, I guess. But, in my deciding on whether to communicate with Other any more, I had the above mentioned conversation with him. This was probably a bad move by me, to mention what I was thinking. Bad on AFeskimo. So the email kind of broad-sided me. But now that I think about it, Other has always made me feel as though I were in the wrong constantly with him, and that his communication with me is because I bug him into replying. Other, if you're reading this, this is the way it has always been, I've never said anything to you about it. That everything I think is inferior to him, I would never be a friend to him (though I did get the exhalted compliment that I had the potential of being a friend), and in order for us to get along, I would have to change everything about me to fit in with him. Tears come as I write this, because the one thing I always had impressed on me as a child is apparently true....I will never be good enough. Mediocre at best, but never above what I am, no matter how I try, even to the person who is supposedly my perfect match in this world. I have tried, most of my life, to be what was good enough for those around me. All I ever wanted was to be told I was doing well, that I was loved regardless of how or what I did. I see now that it will never come. My drive has always stemmed from the need to feel like I was good enough, and I realize now that for Other, I never will be.

Ziggy made a very good point. If Other really wanted my friendship, he wouldn't consistently bring me pain in the experience by throwing things at me and demanding that I conform to him. It makes alot of sense. Why should my potential friendship with Other always bring me pain? I try to treat him as a good friend, and I keep getting shit on, and by his own doing. Not the mark of a friend.

And in the end, I think that all that truly matters is that I am good enough, as I am, for Ziggy, Scout and MiniZiggy.