Something Ziggy said to me

Is still bothering me. Last weekend, Ziggy me and the kids went out to dinner with some friends of ours. On the way there, the husband in the couple, we'll call him Bear, calls and asks where we are in relation to where we are going. I make the comment that Ziggy is being an idiot and not wanting to park in a certain area. Once I am off the phone with Bear, Ziggy is all upset with me. He got upset because I called him an idiot, and said that he doesn't call me names, but that he could if I wanted him to. Now, I wasn't trying to upset Ziggy in the least. But here's what bothers me still....

When Ziggy and I first started dating, I knew that he was very quick to open his mouth and let whatever was on his mind come out of his mouth, and didn't care what the consequences were to this. It took me a long time to get past that with Ziggy. For a bit it was a point of whether or not I wanted to subject myself and Scout to that. Now, that was a bit over 2 years ago. So what bothers me now is what Ziggy thinks of me and doesn't say. My husband and I are very different people, and I have often wondered how we stay together since we are so different. I am not the type of person that can be all out cruel to others. Not for no reason, I should say. Now, once I am pissed off by this person, I can be a cold-hearted bitch. But that's not my everyday nature. This is, however, Ziggy's nature. Ziggy can be cruel to anyone, and not care about it. I have sometimes envied that ability, as I feel like I always care too much about others. Ziggy is more along the 'Take care of number 1' type of thought. His dad and brother are the same way. So the idea that Ziggy could call me names really bothers me. I shudder to think what he would come up with, as he can be very cruel right off the bat. I am not a terribly interesting person. I am not street smart like Ziggy, not the same quick wit, and not the likable kind that is always the popular person in a crowd. Ziggy is all of these things that I am not. Our beliefs don't match, and for that reason, there are things that don't happen in our family that I kind of wish would happen. But I was always taught that if the husband isn't going to go along with things, then it's best to go along with the husband. So, I keep my mouth shut and go on.

It is because of my belief's that I wonder what Ziggy would say about me in calling me names. I know I don't do things that he thinks I should, etc. I try to keep Ziggy happy, I really do, but sometimes I think that my best, or my good isn't what he really wants. I know I don't keep the house clean like he's used to, and I know the laundry tends to pile up despite my efforts to do a load everyday. I don't have the same experiences that he does, he's been so many neat places, and done things that I have only ever heard or read about.

And I am always one step behind everyone, it seems. I always have been. I didn't get to work a job until I was out of high school. I didn't get to do any of the things my friends were doing because I was being a mother while everyone was partying and going to college. I've never been a quick wit, I'd rather read a book than argue. And so, in all of this, I think the true Ziggy would come out if he ever started calling me names. I have long since thought that Ziggy curbs himself in order to keep peace in our house, and that there's plenty he'd rather say than not. And in that, I'd find out what he really thinks, and it's not good, I am certain. Sometimes I can see it in his eyes or on his face. He might care a good deal about me, but I don't think he likes me much.

I may be loved, but I don't think it's ever unconditional. There are always catches, and I think I know of atleast 2 with Ziggy. So I wonder, when will the other shoe drop, and what I see now as my reality, and my normal will cease to exsist. I am reminded that those who love me, or atleast say that they do, will one day leave me. I have always thought that Ziggy would tire of me and Scout one day, and move on to something more interesting.