MIL in town

My MIL is in town. She's hung out with me and the kiddos for the most part, and has let me have some time to myself, which has been great, and I REALLY do appreciate.

School, while not stellar, is doing better than I had anticipated, and that's nice. I have lots left to do, but it's not as bad as last semester.....

MiniMachine is 1 month old today. My, time seems to fly by faster the more kids you have.....

I got a full night of sleep last night, since my MIL stayed up with the baby for us....felt great.....

Face time with Eunuch

Well, Ziggy and I had lunch with Eunuch today. It's really nice to be able to walk up to someone you've never met face to face before and strike up a conversation as though you've known them for a good amount of time.

Lunch was eaten, Hashing was explained( and now I want to try this oddity), and a good time was had by all.

I had a great time chatting with Eunuch, very comfortable and easy to talk with type of guy. Of course, I will have to work on his warped sense of what a 'real' SEC football team is.....poor guy, apparently he doesn't get enough college football in his diet.....

I want to go home

I got my license plates for my Jeep the other day, and ever since I opened the envelope, I have had a longing to go home. I am not from Virginia, as a matter of fact, I hate it here. I was born and raised in Georgia, but I don't consider it home. I want to go back home, to Alaska. It'll be getting cooler this time of year. I can almost see the mountains that surround the city of Anchorage, with the very tips covered in white, telling me that winter is on it's way yet again. I want to stand outside my house on a winter night and look at the sky and watch the Aurora( Northern Lights) dance across the night sky. I want to drive out to Jim's Creek and ride my four-wheeler across the flats at the base of the glacier, get muddy and wet, and otherwise enjoy the outdoors. I want to walk down 4th avenue and look in all the little shops for the tourists. I want to eat at the little Russian cafe on 5th avenue. I want to watch the start of the Iditarod sled dog race every Spring, and go see the ice sculptures during the Fur Rondy. I want to go to the fair and see the huge vegetable displays......I want to drive to Houston for fireworks, and shoot them off well into the night. I want to fish to my heart's content in Seward.

I met myself in Alaska. I met Ziggy in Alaska, and for that alone Alaska will always be dear to me. I want to drive down Muldoon Avenue to Ziggy's old house, and let the memories of that house play in my mind over and over. I want to go home, and never leave the Last Frontier again.

My self esteem

At what point, when failing at everything possible, do you give up and change what you're doing?

Looking over my life, I see my parents always telling me I'd never be good at or for anything. After so long of hearing that, regardless of the truth in it, a person is going to start believing it. Luck hasn't been on my side in a number of ventures before I joined the military, and I honestly believed that the military would be all that it promised. That was problem number 1, believing the recruiting propaganda. After nearly 5 and a half years of being screwed by my loving Uncle Sam, it would seem that my parents words still ring true, and I am unable, it seems, to shake the whole situation. Granted, there have been some minor victories, but nothing to impress. Looking through my military record, I can honestly say that the only part of it that I am remotely proud of is that I served in Operation Iraqi Freedom. The rest of it could be sealed forever and I wouldn't shed a tear over it, embarrassing as it is. Ever heard the phrase 'shutting the barn door after the horse has run away'? Well, that's a rather decent description of my career in the US Air Force.

At what point do you stop fighting all the crap that is being piled on you, and give up caring about it anymore? How do you get out from under it all? And moreso, how do you shore up the walls of your emotions now that you've been shaken down to the very foundations of your self esteem? I've gotten to the point that my time in the Air Force has taken so much out of my self confidence that I begin to look around me at other aspects of my life and wonder if I'll ever do anything well again, or complete a task I have set for myself. Now all I see for myself is abject failure....

I get the idea that Ziggy has no high opinion of me as a troop, that kind of goes without saying in words. I think he's bright enough to know better than to voice that out loud, particularly to my face.

So what happens if I don't get into the nursing program at my college? Then what do I do? Because then I will have gone to school for 2 years with little to nothing to show for it, as the degree wouldn't be finished. I don't know what else I'd do, as I have wanted to be a nurse for the better part of 10 years, and not much else has captured my interest. Ziggy keeps talking positive about things, and I can't help but see more gloom that good in the whole situation.

Something I've been meaning to write

I have been meaning to post this, and just haven't done it. I just love downtown Norfolk, VA. My college has a campus there, and it's in the heart of Norfolk, and I have to walk from the parking garage a couple of blocks over to the campus. Norfolk is just a neat place to me. You've got the upscale sections (MacArthur Center and Ghent), and the funky/trendy places (VooDoo's, and Waterside), along with the college atmosphere, since Tidewater Community College is next to MacArthur Center. There are hole-in-the wall restaurants to eat in, city-style apartments, and lots of old town charm......I just love Norfolk, it's a neat place....

Bit of an update

Well, school is in full swing for the semester. Chemistry and I are still mortal enemies, as I hate math with a passion. But I must do well in order to pass the class. Anatomy is going alright, my first test is next week, and I am a bit nervous about it, truth be told, but I am sure that everything will go alright.

I had the weirdest dreams the past couple of nights. What's even more strange is that my exhusband, Psycho, was in them, though more so in the last one than the first. I have no idea why I'd dream about him, but he was there, rather prominently through the whole dream. Angry and jealous as ever, too.

MiniMachine has finally picked up a little weight on her, she weighs 5lbs and 12 ozs. She eats like a little porker, which is good. Her weigh was worrying me there for a few days. Now I just can't wait for her umbilical cord to fall off so she can have a big girl bath rather than all the wipe-downs with baby wipes.

On the whole professional scope of things, there is a serious disadvantage to having a spouse who knows so much about your job. I've gotten to a point where I don't talk a whole lot about how much work bothers me about my EPR, etc, because Ziggy gets this irritated look on his face like he'd love to tell me what he really thinks, but knows that I'd be angry and/or hurt by anything he has to say......

It's looking rather likely that I will get to meet the infamous Eunuch next week. He is coming to the area and we are planning to do lunch and finally meet face-to-face.

Alright, well, that's about all for now........

Oh well....

As though the baby blues catching up to me isn't enough, I was checking the sites for the personnel of the Air Force, and I found out that my referral EPR that was in the works, finally passed everyone and became a matter of record. Ziggy thinks I should fight it, and quite honestly, I think I am all out of fight. After so long of fighting the system that is supposed to help, I think I give up. It seems rather obvious that from start to finish, the 'system' doesn't work or apply in regards to me. This whole experience has done absolutely nothing to raise any of my own self esteem(which has never been high), as the military would like folks to think it does. I suppose I should just face up to the fact that I'm not good for much of anything, nor at any particular job.

Stole it from Brookie.......

62 Odd Questions-------
[1] What is your middle name? Marie
[2] What color is your mailbox:Black
[3] Last time you kissed somone:Um, around 9AM, when I put the baby down for a nap
[4] Have you ever hit a deer?Yes
[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home? Yes
[6] Who checks the mail in your house?Me, for the most part
[7] how many tv's are in your house?3, I think
[8] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you?nope
[9] What do you do first in the morning? Um....go to the bathroom.
[10] What brand is your printer?Canon
[11] Do you enjoy fighting with people? Depends on if I am right or not, and if I think it's worth arguing over.
[12] Is your hair naturally straight or curly?straight
[13] Who was your kindergarten teacher? I don't remember
[14] Are you taller than your mother?oh yeah!!!
[15] Do you have a favorite word? Fucker (love ya, Chris!!!)
[16] Are you good?I've never had complaints......
[17] What do you do to get over a broken heart? Don't remember
[18] Do you have a deep dark secret? Um....hell, I don't remember.
[19] Drink of choice:non-alcoholic - dr pepper alcoholic - Sex on the Beach
[20] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?Blue and Black are colors, right???
[21] Does anything on your body hurt?My lower back
[22] Do you often cry during movies?sometimes
[23] Do you hate your life?absolutely not
[24] Number of pets: 3 cats.
[25] Are there any animals that scares you?Snakes
[26] Do you get mad easily?sometimes yes, sometimes no.
[27] Can't wait for? Baby weight to go away, Toby Keith concert, winter....
[28] What is your biggest pet peeve? Ridiculous people
[29] Favorite song: I dunno, I have a few
[31] Weather outside:warm & humid
[32] Most attractive quality about you: I dunno, ask Ziggy
[33] You're in the mood for? Cold Stone ice cream....
[34] Do any of your friends have kids?Most of them do
[35] If you could have a threesome with any 2 celebrities, who?I wouldn't.
[36] Do you have any friends?very few who are actually friends
[37] Do you have any mean friends?no, but I do have some mean ass aquaintances
[38] What is the ugliest color in your opinion?Chevy's burnt orange. Looks like it came out of a baby diaper
[39] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand?Yes
[40] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff? No, I have other methods
[41] Have you ever been fired from a job?yes
[42] What year was your house built?1969
[43] When was the last time you slept in someone elses bed? Last week, I was in the hospital
[44] What brand are the pant/jeans you're wearing?I don't have on jeans, I am have on jammies
[45] How tall are you?5' 3"
[46] What is the closest green object? extension cord, I think
[47] What is on your feet?nothing
[48] Do you always wear underwear?no
[49] Do you want to have kids? I have 3
[50] Who is the last person who you would expect to be gay?who knows?? to each their own
[51] Do you know how to draw? I can draw a mean stick man
[52] Whats your mother's middle name?Lynn
[53] Stupidest movie you ever saw:not sure, there's soooo many
[54] Do you collect comic books?no
[55] Do you look like your dad? Supposedly, yes
[56] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?Oh yes....
[57] Are you wearing make up?no
[58] Do you have a tattoo?yes
[59] You win the lottery and you:Get out of the Air Force, finish school, and invest money...and pay off all the bills
[60] How many pairs of underwear do you have?I've never counted, but now I'm curious
[61] Are you hungry at the moment? Mildly, yes
[62] Favorite movie of all time: It's a Wonderful Life.

1 week

Well, MiniMachine is 1 week old, and my 29th birthday has passed. I drove today, which was a first, so I don't have to be dependent on Ziggy for all transportation.

Juggling 3 kids isn't easy, and MiniZiggy is having a really hard time adjusting to having a little sister that takes attention away from him.

School has begun, and so has the battle to figure out when to do homework amidst kids. I'm thinking Tuesday will have to do, as Ziggy will be taking Scout and MiniZiggy to school/daycare, and I will be alone with MiniMachine. Ziggy lets me take naps, so I'm not totally wiped out, which is nice. MiniMachine sleeps for 4 hours at a time, so we're not up constantly like we were with MiniZiggy.

More updates later.....

Surprise, Surprise

Well, for those who keep up with me via the blog and no other means, here's the tale......

Saturday night, Ziggy and I go to bed around midnight. 3AM, sharp, I feel this bit of fluid escape me, thus I am awake. I go to the bathroom, thinking maybe my bladder let go a little. Nope....I lose a little more fluid. I'm thinking, "Uh-oh. Calling L&D, just to be on the safe side." L & D says to go to the Navy hospital, as the Langley hospital doesn't deal in premature baby care. Ok, that's fine, it's closer to the house anyways. So I wake up Ziggy and tell him that I have to go to the Navy hospital, that I think my water broke. I found this part amusing, he says"In bed?" I say yes. He says, " Did you leave a puddle??" I say no, and stifle a couple giggles.....

We get to the hospital finally(the place is a freaking labryinth), and they check me to see if my water had broken. The doc(visions of Doogie Howser, as this guy looked 19, tops - he was 27, with 4 kids, come to find out) says that he doesn't think my water broke, and the thought going through my head, is that he's wrong(cause I was leaking more at that point). So they wait about an hour and check again. Yup, water had broken, and I've dilated 2 cm more than I was the first time they checked.

MiniMachine was born via C-section at 1130AM on Sunday. 5lbs 7.5 ozs, 18 inches long. She had to stay in the NICU because she was so early, and they wanted to make sure that she was doing good with maintaining her body temp, and eating well, etc.......So far, so good, and she may get to come home tomorrow.

Early birthday present

Come to find out, my good friend Chris Daugherty is heading over to Iraq for his deployment. He's passing through Norfolk, VA, and I have an opportunity to see him. So, I'm taking leave next Wednesday and Thursday to hang out with him. That alone is birthday gift enough.

I went to my first Chemistry class last night, and I think that class is going to be a good deal easier than I had thought. That's good, as I can afford to concentrate a little more on Anatomy.

I am tired of being pregnant, and more than ready to be done with the whole ordeal......

Ziggy and Gramps, or why we end up with the person in our lives

After 58 years of marriage, Gramps succombed to leukemia and renal cancer, peacefully, in his sleep. I cannot fathom what it is to wake up knowing you will never see your spouse again. How Gram gets thorough each day, I can't imagine. Family coming by to see her, friends checking up on her, all of it is nice, I am sure, but I can't imagine going through every day thereafter and not going nuts without Gramps there.

Ziggy is my concrete reality in this crazy world, he is my rock. When we are apart, we call atleast twice a day. Sappy, I know, we are just that way. I can't go a night without hearing his voice before I go to sleep, he calls wanting to know how the morning went, was MiniZiggy fussy when he got up, did Scout get a move on like he doesn't like to do, etc. I know what it is to willingly do away with the married state, to electively be single again, as I have been divorced. But to lose the partner of your life, that you are happy with, I can't fathom that at all. I can't imagine the loss Gram feels, nor the disappointment of turning around in your own home, and not finding that person there, when they have been there for so long. I can't imagine my life without Ziggy, so I have no idea how Gram handles it everyday. I would crumple up and want to die right along with Ziggy, for the world pales without him in it.

Why do we end up with the person we share our life with? When I was 15, I met the man I figured I would end up with eventually. He was 18 at the time, and had just enlisted in the Marine Corps. As always, life is what happens when you are making other plans, and 4 and a half years later, we split up, and married other people. I still hear from him from time to time, we chat about our kids(he has a daughter by his ex-wife) and how work is, etc. I met Ziggy when I was 24, still married to Psycho, and fresh in the military. Little did I know that the man that was sitting 2 seats from me would be my husband in 2 and a half years' time. Gram and Gramps were childhood sweethearts, and the story goes that Gram told Gramps, at the ripe age of 12, "Douglas Sloan, I am going to marry you when we grow up." I can't say I had an inkling of that type of thought when Ziggy and I were dating. I wasn't so sure we were going to date for very long actually, for 2 reasons. 1, the man hated my dog with a passion. She was a lovely Siberian Husky, and would rub against his legs trying to get him to pet her. And left white hair on him everytime. 2. He was a bit rough around the edges, and I wasn't sure we'd last long before he'd tire of me. So why the man I met in the military rather than the one I met at 15 years old? Was Ziggy the man for me as an adult, rather than as a teenager? Possibly, I guess. Guess I'll never know......but I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Just when I thought things had levelled out

........I get thrown a curveball. So I'm at the office today, all pressed(ok, maternity BDU's look like ass regardless.....so I was looking a little less like ass today) and shiny boots, to go see TheMan today at 130. About 1230, his secretary comes over to my desk and tells me that the meeting is off, TheMan doesn't see a need for me to come talk to him(at which point WTF starts flying through my mind) at this point in time. So I'm going, "Hunh?!!?!?!?!" I'm officially lost at that point. About half an hour later, the Chief sticks his head in the office and asks if I have a few minutes to chat with him. So I troop into his office, and the whole conversation is over in say, 6 minutes, and at no point do either of us sit down.

The Chief tells me that TheMan has decided that now is no time to talk about my EPR( to which my thought process runs along the line of, "Well if course not, it doesn't affect him in the least!"), as, and I am quoting here, "There is no EPR." I tell the Chief that there is definitely an EPR, I have it on my desk. He looks mildly surprised and says, "Oh, so you've already got it?" At this point I am wondering what happened to the communications up to that point, since I felt pretty sure I had made it clear that I already had the filthy rag of a document in my possession. Yea, yea, digression, I know. What he tells me, in the way of it being a message from TheMan himself, is that I need to research any way to pursue my retraining without a 5 skill level. I get asked all these questions that I don't have immediate answers to, but I know where to go to get the answers. And I tell him all this. And for the most part, from what the Chief said, is that TheMan wants to find a way to go back and approve the retraining that I had been disapproved for 24 hours prior. At which point my WTF meter is pegged out.........so Monday I get to make lots of phone calls and go see people to find answers to questions.

More of the same

Yea, so I'm elbow deep(and that's pretty deep, considering I'm 5'3") in writing this whole package arguing why I'm not a referral 2 EPR. I'm polishing it all up, backing up my statements with documented facts, the whole nine yards, right? Everything is going swimmingly.........cue the JAWS music right about now. Well, before I can go talk to TheMan(squadron Commander) about it, pitch him my side of the situation, I have to go see 2 key people, a first seargent(hard to explain his function, other than a go-between for the enlisted corps to the officers), and the Chief of the squadron. The Chief is even harder to explain, since by his own definition, he's not in the chain of command. Ima leave that statement alone and continue with the days' events. So, like a good little Airman following the protocol, I troop into the Chief's office, folder of evidence in hand, ready to pitch my whole side to this man. I don't get the chance to open my mouth before I am told, and I am going to summarize here, that he is very loyal to TheTroll, who is a retired Chief himself, and that he fully supports anything that TheTroll has said, authorized, etc. He then goes on to tell me that pregnancy is a choice, that I wasn't hired to have kids, on and on. And then he drops the other shoe, saying in a nutshell, that nothing I can justify with all my documentation is going to change anything he already thinks. So, I sit back and let that rattle around in my head a moment, and then I ask him straight out if I'm understanding him correctly, that nothing I can say or show will change anything with the EPR outcome. According to Ziggy, I have, at that point, just called the man out on his own statement. All of a sudden, it's as though his whole mindset changed. He starts asking me questions about time frames and why I am doing such and such, and what the hold-ups are that are keeping certain things from happening, etc, etc. He starts giving me suggestions as to what to say to TheMan, what to show him, all of these things that 30 seconds beforehand, I am being told are null and void to the situation. All of a sudden, he's all helpfulness. I'm sitting there rather stunned, actually, at his transformation, all the while, trying not to let my thoughts cross my face.

So I walk out of the office and get my appointment to see TheMan tomorrow afternoon. Lunchtime goes by and I am on the phone with Ziggy, recounting the conversation with the Chief. Ziggy tells me that the Chief is one of those senior enlisteds(he's the highest paygrade that an enlisted can get to in the Air Force, the top 1% of the enlisted force) that is very used to people bowing to his stripes and not questioning what he says, regardless of if he's blowing smoke or not. From what Ziggy said, in my questioning him, it told him that I was really paying attention and saw through his smoke and mirrors, putting him into a position where he had to do something of substance rather than the company diatribe. I'm still a bit shocked by the encounter.

Then the bomb hits me after lunch, about 1PM. I get an email from the personnell agency of the Air Force, stating that my Commander has already recommended that I be disapproved for retraining, before I can get to see him and plead my case. So there goes my chance at retraining, straight down the toilet, more or less. It pretty much seals the coffin on my chances that I'll get it. Which has me rather down, since I was rather hopeful at the idea of pleading my case, having him hear my side of the story, etc. And here I am with this appointment to see TheMan tomorrow afternoon. Why am I still going to see him? The EPR, mainly, since the retraining bit has gone to hell in a handbag for the most part. Maybe I can fight that and come out a little better.

Oh I am so tired.......

MiniZiggy and I have been trading back and forth on a cold for a few weeks, and I think it's getting the better of the little guy. I went to pick him up from daycare today, and they told me that he's been a bit sad, fretful and cried a good bit today. Not like MiniZiggy at all. When we got home, it was more of the same, didn't want me far out of his sight, wanted to be held, etc, etc. So I think I may have to break down and take him to the doc next week some time.

The shots I was given on Monday and Tuesday have me feeling all flushed and very thirsty. I hope this wears off soon, as it's going to be more annoying than it already is.

I need a vacation.....

Quarters

I was in Labor and Delivery yesterday, for most of the day, having contractions. They gave me a shot of steroids to help mature MiniMachine's lungs, a shot to stop the contractions, and ran an IV through me. I had to go back today and get another steroid shot. Fun fun.

Ziggy left early this morning for Washington, for his grandfather's funeral. Hopefully MiniMachine will stay put atleast until he gets home. So, I have 2 days to do laundry, cleaning, and such. Fun. Ok, not really. I'm feeling a nap coming on....

Joe Lieberman

I'm sorry, guys, I have to comment on Joe Lieberman. Nothing about him losing the latest election, just a small commentary on the man's looks themselves. Why does he have that dumb-but-happy-and-clueless smile on his face any time you see him here lately? It reminds me of senior citizens without dentures in, and then they smile (cue the mental images of my mom)......

I'm sorry, but he just looks so dopey with that smile slapped on........had to comment, please continue with your day.

Thus it begins

...the end of my less-than-stellar Air Force career. 5 years into my enlistment, Vehicle Maintenance is giving me the nails that seal my coffin to kick me out. Within a year of my projected out date. Various things are cited, all of which I could answer, if I have my training records, which the Troll won't give me until he 'reviews' them. Pardon me if I don't wait with bated breath.


I am not going to Washington, and surprisingly enough, Ziggy's not arguing about it. I'd be an extra wheel anyways, and Kat and his family will be more than enough to help him through anything he may need out there.

Just goes to show more of what my parents told me as a kid is true........I've been worthless all my life, and always will be.

The remarkable inability to sleep

As though I don't have enough on my plate, I totally spaced and forgot to clean house today, since my uncle is coming to visit tomorrow. I took a nap instead. Didn't buy the plane tickets to Washington, either. Which means that they will cost even more as of tomorrow. Peachy.

So Ziggy and I troop to bed. Me to read, and him to sleep, as the last couple of days have caught up with him. I read, get drowsy, turn off the light, and my mind starts going a million miles an hour. Thus, keeping me awake. My week has been rather rough, even without Gramps dying and all that. Professionally, life sucks. Things are coming to a head to when decisions are being made, and as this is happening, I am supposed to be going to Washington for Gramps' funeral. And as things currently stand, I am going to have to participate in the fun of all this professional bit going on. My input is going to be critical, and on a time table that will be largely taken up by the trip to Washington, if it all comes down the way it's in the works to come down. Failure is not something I deal with well, and failing at the 6 years I have been in the Air Force is a serious blow to my self esteem, which has never been awfully high to begin with. I see this as yet another failure in a long stream of them, and it throws my equilibrium into chaos to think of the future. Ziggy keeps telling me to think positive, and I wish I could. After so long of being beaten down by a system, I have a hard time seeing any kind of positive in the situation, or seeing how I can convince my commander of anything else other than what is being said about me. It's happened in the past, and I just see it repeating itself all over again.

Part of me wonders if I should go to Washington or not. Ziggy's truck is in the shop, not due to be repaired until Monday, we have no one to look in on the cats while we are all away, all the work mess going on, plus baby issues, on top of school getting ready to kick back on for me, and Scout will be coming home soon. I don't do funerals, so all I'd be doing would be going all the way out there to watch MiniZiggy while everyone is at the funeral. And honestly, I can do that at home. That and part of me sees myself as intruding on the rest of them during all this. Ziggy is doing much better with the whole thing than I thought he would, and I don't think he's as dependent on me to get him thorough this as he may have thought in the first place. Plus, he will have Kat and all those who know him better than I do to be there for him. I always feel out of place when that happens, as though I am a 5th wheel and kind of forgotten until needed for something. I don't think Ziggy will need me for anything out there, anyways. I am not good at making folks feel better about death, nor am I good at making nice to people for the sake of their feelings, or my standing in their eyes. I'd do better to stay home, watch MiniZiggy, and go about work and such like normal.

Death of a good man

Doug Sloan, Ziggy's grandfather, passed away this morning, around 3AM, in his sleep. Ziggy has recovered a bit from basketcaseness, and we are probably going to Washington State next Tuesday, for the funeral.

So passes a good man, father and grandfather. He was a teacher, a sailor while in the Navy, and a community figure that folks looked to for wisdom, and a devoted husband. He taught Ziggy to be the man that he is, and I will always be grateful to him for that. May he rest in peace.