My vent....I guess...and an epiphany

You know, I really hate it when people try to mess with your mind about serious shit. Has a tendency to make me mad.....boiling, fighting mad, actually. I will, of course, explain.

I have this acquaintance over here, we'll call Radar. Now, Radar and I were chatting tonight, and we were talking about our past relationships, hurt from them, etc, and we ran into the topic of Ziggy and Other. I explained the whole schpeel about Other, and upon the end of the explanation, I start getting this barrage of questions about why I'm not with Other, and why do my answers all sound rehearsed or that I'm trying to convince myself that I'm happy without Other as my mate.....the whole 9 yards. Almost as though Radar is trying to undermine my happiness with Ziggy. This angers me. Greatly. It has always bothered me when people question why or why not I do things in my life. As though they are trying to make me change my mind by creating doubt. And let me tell you something, the Air Force is really good at the mind games, so I really ought to be uised to it, right? Ok, well maybe not because it's a bit different. Anywho......

I was talking to Ziggy about this, and I told him what I think is the whole reason that Radar's line of questioning. See, I have been trying to distance myself from the image of having been a cheating wife. I was one when I was married to Psycho, I admit. But I have a theory about it. I firmly believe, based on my own experience, that people who cheat aren't happy with what they have already. Because if they were, if they were fulfilled in their current relationship, whether it's marriage or not, they wouldn't be out on the prowl for the next conquest. Just my opinion and belief. Anyways, I digress. And there are plenty of folks over here that are suffering from a serious lack of sex. And so you have people who will try just about anything to get laid. Instant gratification, it's a powerful temptation. And plenty of people fall into the trap, and it can cause lots of problems later. So Ziggy and I have come to the conclusion that Radar is more or less trying to get into my pants. Which is not going to happen. I love my husband, we have a great relationship, and I am not screwing this up for something that is entirely about getting off.

In all of this conversation with Radar, I came to an epiphany, if you will. We were talking about what we've wanted out of life, what we want for our kids(he has a daughter), all of that, and were chewing over our own childhoods and the manners in which we were raised as opposed to the way we raise our own children. I have always known what it was I always wanted out of life, from when I was a child. As a child, I wanted the knowledge that I was loved, no matter what. Having been given up for adoption at the age of 17 months, and the adoption taking place at the age of 4, I always had the feeling that in some way I hadn't been good enough for my mother, thus I was given up. I wasn't loved. There's WAY more to this, but you get the idea. Anyways, I spent my childhood trying to please my parents, with the misconception that if I pleased them, then they loved me....twisted, I know, but this is me. I just wanted to be loved......it hit me when I was talking to Radar about this, I got what I wanted, I am loved, unconditionally. Granted, the love of your children is a special thing, but that doesn't always fill what holes may be in you from the past. It hit me square in the middle of the forehead that Ziggy loves me unconditionally. He always has, too. My self confidence, all of my self esteem of the past 3 years, can all be run right back to Ziggy......It never hit me before, for some reason. I have had no desire to seek anything from anyone of the opposite sex for the simple fact, I am content and happy with what I have. Ziggy and I have a great relationship, which we work at, and I am fulfilled in that. My husband loves me whether or not I fit into a size 8 jeans or if I wear a size 12. He loves me despite my terrible temper and the mean things I may say to him in that anger. It's a beautiful thing.......and I got what I always wanted.....