Completely useless

Ya ever feel completely useless at work? Well, I got a doseful of it today. See, I don't actually buy any of the parts in the shop. I don't have a Government Purchase Card. Therefore, I don't buy shit. Most of the working stock that I was updating in the computer system, is done, so there again, I have jack shit to do. I didn't have any runs to make, which was ok, since I'm not 'supposed' to be the runner anyways. I invoiced the things that came in, got tools for people, got chemicals for them, etc. I am a fucking glorified secretary.

What do I do when I have, well, nothing to do at work? I surf the net. I read up on the news sites, see what's going on in the world. I catch up on my blogs that I read on a regular basis. I surf for my classes for next semester. I email my husband and a couple friends. That last one was a touchy subject today. My boss(a civilian, mind you) tells me that I really need to watch how much I email, because it takes too much of my time. Hell, I did my boss's job today, so he could write 3 awards packages. Anyways, I was told that all the emailing I do is going to get me into trouble. What the fuck else am I supposed to do all damned day?

Yesterday he sent me on a 4 hour run. And then wanted me to go out again(to a vendor that delivers every hour) and get something small that was going to be coming with the vendor in an hour anyways. Why? Because I don't buy parts, and the computer shit is done, so there's not much for me to do. By the way, did I mention that I don't have a Government driver's license, and that I have to drive a Government vehicle to go on these runs? Makes me want to get a ticket on base and make my boss squirm on a hook.

So I guess I am supposed to sit at the desk, stare off into space and not do a damned thing. Ok, I can do that. But that goes against the first rule of working in the military. LOOK BUSY. Yea.....great, huh?

So I'm sitting there doing his mindless data entry today, and he's asking me all these English grammar questions for this package that he's writing. I make the comment that I will never have to worry about any of that. He asks me why not, not being an NCO? I tell him that aside from that, I've never been put in for any awards. I've been in the Air Force for 5 years, and I don't have a 5-level, have only tested for E5 once, and will get out in a year with all that same status. He looks at me a bit floored. He's a retired E7. So this news of my career kind of surprises him. And it got me thinking.......

I have looked back over my 5 years in the Air Force, and I can honestly say that only 4 months of my time was actually useful and productive. And that was the 4 months I spent in Iraq, armoring the trucks that went on the convoys. My first year in the Air Force was marked by training, which is normal for anyone just joining and hitting the street in the military. I got to my first assignment with a world of problems. My then-husband hadn't paid any of our bills while I was in training, so we were in serious financial trouble. I found out I was pregnant, which killed my training, as pregnant women aren't allowed to work on the floor as mechanics. After the miscarriage, I was left in an office to do basically nothing for 5 months. I was finally put on the floor and my training begun, such as it was. My first trainer spent more time trying to get into my pants than teaching me anything. The one after him decided that I couldn't learn the job since I had to ask him questions after having things explained once. He then gave up on me, and blew off my training. When I went to all the proper authorities to report all of this, I was laughed at, blown off, and sent on my way. And then I was laughed at for trying to fix the fact that I was being discriminated against, by my own chain of command. By the time all of this was done, I was pregnant with MiniZiggy, and back in an office while all the investigations and laughing was being done. We then moved to Virginia.

Things got no better in Virginia. I got here, had a baby, and was out on maternity leave for the first 2 months I was stationed here. Then I was out of training, as technically, I had no job title. Then I was put back into training, under the management of Der Fuhrer and Kermit. Neither of whom relish the idea of a woman in an automotive shop. My boss, Cadillac, did even less to train me. Then I got deployed to Iraq. Where I armored the 5 ton trucks that went on convoy duty. The most productive I have ever been in the military. And then I came back to Virginia. I came back in October, and was shuffles around my own shop until I found out I was pregnant in January. Now I sit in an office where I don't actually do the job that is done in that office. I am back to square one. I am useless. I am a Senior Airman that merely fills a seat and collects a paycheck on the first and 15th of every month. No matter how well I do whatever job is asked of me, I am always judged against the last female that did this, and she was absolutely worthless. So I must be as well, don't expect too much of SrA Seigerman.

I look at my last 5 years, and I wonder what the hell all the ribbons on my chest mean. That I was in for a certain amount of time, served in certain places in the timeframes to get certain awards, and oh, by the way, I am a war vet. I have the medal stating that I did time in Iraq, during Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom. But nothing remarkable. I look at Ziggy's record, all the plaques he has of the awards he's won, and I look at myself and see failure. Ziggy was Airman of the Quarter, Year, all that. Multiple times over. He made E5 in an accelerated time frame. He has awards an accolades up to his eyeballs. And I have a plaque that was forcibly given to me, simply because I am his wife, that says, in a nutshell, 'Thanks for showing up.' I didn't really DO anything in the military. And in one year's time, I will be discharged from the Air Force, and very quickly forgotten by all that know of me IN the Air Force. With the exception of Ziggy himself, of course.

As a child, I wanted to be in the military, and to be someone among the servicemembers. With a year left in my enlistment, I am simply an Iraqi War Veteran, and they are a dime a dozen.

Yea, so I feel completely useless.