I had a coworker tell me that I give too much of myself away. And for whatever reason, that stuck with me. All day I had that kind of churning in the back of my mind. And I started looking at myself, and you know, it's true. I am a pretty giving person. Whether it's the shirt off my back or a piece of my mind, I give pretty freely of both. I know, I know, I gotta watch how much of my mind I give away, or I won't have much left.......anywhooo...
I admit, I have held back when it comes to some people in my life. People who have meant a good bit to me, and for whatever reason, I have reserved things from them. My mother, for example, about religion. I admit, I am chicken-shit when it comes to telling my mom where to get off. This is where Ziggy comes in handy. Ziggy can tell anyone off and not flinch, overthink it, or go from 0 to screaming in under 0.6 seconds. I soooo envy that ability. Like in the movie You've Got Mail, where Tom Hanks is telling Meg Ryan that he wished he could give her all of his zingers and she could be as bad as she wanted. I wish I could borrow that from Ziggy. I would have been at my mother with both barrells blazing yesterday, if I could have had the balls to let rip. Oh, I have more people, believe me.....
My ex-Marine..........yea, if I'd told him what was going on, things would've been very different.
Sadly enough, I put my friend Eunuch into this category. I love Eunuch to death. We have some common interests, and seem a good deal alike, and that may very well be our undoing as friends. Eunuch introduced me to hashing, educated me on beer(though I still am no beer drinker - not Eunuch's fault, either), and otherwise being a good friend with a shoulder to cry on occassionally. I have really enjoyed getting to know Eunuch, but am starting to wonder if the things I hold back from him aren't starting to get in the way a bit. Perhaps I have given too much of myself in a friendship. I have never been in a friendship that was as mutually nutured as my friendship with Eunuch. And yet I feel that perhaps, just maybe, it's just too good to be true that I could have a great friendship with a man without ruining it completely, as I am terribly good at doing. My best friend is not counting in this. I hold back certain parts of myself with Eunuch. I have from the outset. I am a stubborn person, to the core. I tend to not give an inch when it comes to arguments, with the exception of Ziggy. I don't give even a millimeter when it comes to Eunuch. Ziggy has even said he doesn't know if I should. I have always been the one to get walked all over in friendships, and in the last few years I have tried to reverse that trend. I now wonder if I'm not shooting myself in the foot, and should give Eunuch all that he has been asking for from me. It's a quandry, and an impasse as well, it seems.
So without giving details here, I unloaded all that about Eunuch and I. The details don't really matter, I don't think. On the other hand, if I give all that I have held back, thoughts and mmmm, actions, things could change in a way that I'm not willing to deal with.
Rather than end this post on a sad, pensive note, I will throw in some cheer. Speaking of my best friend, Chris Daugherty, I found out tonight that he is ENGAGED!!!!!!!! His girlfriend is great, I met her in April on the big drive from Washington. I think she's a little overwhelmed that I am so stoked for them (I'm a very exuberant person, if you haven't noticed), but hey, if she wasn't good for Chris, he wouldn't be with her. So YAY for Chris and Stephanie!!!!!!!
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